Tonight is a very important night for My Dearest as she actually gets to meet a very admired author and somebody that she is working on an important film project with and so I am very excited for her. Afterwards, she and I start attending the first in a series of lectures given by John Bradshaw as he debuts his new book entitled, Reclaiming Virtue. We both could use the spiritual uplift and are excited about being in attendance.I am thankful to have made it this far down the road with My Dearest and won't take one moment of this for granted. We continue to move backwards, forwards, dodging left, dodging right as the winds of change hurl us and it's just not easy. I've witnessed so much pain in My Dearest's face as as the challenges of my betrayal continue to haunt her. I've tried my best to make her smile when opportunity presents, held her tight as she has cried when she would let me, danced with her on the rare moments that she felt like dancing, and taken a thousand photos with her in documentation of this journey. I've answered a thousand questions meant to clarify the madness behind where we are and none that have provided much remedy, although I keep answering as if able to help her understand something that is sometimes not understandable by either of us.
I listened to My Dearest just today give counsel to someone in a similar position and it opened my heart, brought tears to my eyes as she opened up and shared her experience with the person seeking her guidance. I was of course a villain of sorts in that discussion, which was difficult, but the conversation was beautiful and if our story helps another, then there is at least some light being passed around as a result of this dark time that we are going through. Afterwards, I looked down to the "makeup-less " face (a rarity) of My Dearest today and loudly pronounced my love to her several times...I wonder if she heard me. When I tell her that she is beautiful of late...I wonder if she hears me. When I tell her that I plan to spend the rest of my life making this up to her...I wonder if those words find home or shelter in a place where they are safe from the hurtful response that echoes within her but that she does not always enunciate...
"Then why have you done this to me, david????"
I just have no rational answer for that, no antidote for that venom, no way to muffle or mute that song...which could be the song of my defeat and I accept that. Nothing that I ever say from here forwrad might find its way deep into the place of her heart that I must touch in order to keep our love alive...and so it is...and so I am...engaging in a battle to save something that My Dearest may not want to save. My love is strong and undying, but it won't be forever and I pray for strength, patience, and courage to allow us to find the place where we can once again be fully happy and fulfilled by one another.
in every dusk a new dawning
in every cloud a new lining
in every storm a new calming
in every winter a new warming
in every hurt a new caring
in every frown a new smiling
in every silence a new calling
in every crime a new forgiving
in every sleep a new awakening
in every shunning a new welcoming
in every condemning a new redeeming
in every betrayal a new believing
in every coincidence a new meaning
in every being a new becoming
in every hiding a new revealing
in every end a new beginning
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