Its been 17 grueling days since my wife discovered that I was having an affair. Days filled with with guilt, shame, unrelenting bewilderment of how I could have let this happen to me...and ultimately to her. I always said that this was something I wasn't capable of, told her this was something that I would never do, reassured her that her heart was safe with me. Now I join the ranks of so many others who I have observed in this position and thanked the heavens it was them and not I. This blog is about feelings. Feelings that I need to share, but might be too difficult to share effectively through verbalization, given our current inability to communicate without anger. This blog is my support system, my therapy, my roadway to healing regardless of outcome.
It seems impossible or almost comicle to look my wife in the eyes at this point and tell her that she should have faith in me...in our future, although I know that's what she needs to hear, regardless of the implied disingenuousness of the gesture. I do so and release those words into a face that is hardened with anger, sadness, and dispair. Her eyes a shape that I've not seen in being married to her for 10 years. A shape that betrays the natural order of her femininity, softness, and inner light. It is I that have betrayed those very qualities that I love about her and caused them to retreat behind a dam of sadness that leaks water through its cracks as the tide of anger subsides and allows passage.
Through the night, she riddles me with questions...questions so painful and so repetitive that I am stuck giving frustrating and exhausted answers until my mind ultimately reaches its guilt limit and automatically shuts down. I liken this to what Gitmo prisoners probably went through when hiding important national security information from their concerned and skilled interrogators. Water boarding doesn't hold a candle to this torture. My mind betrays me of the events as my sleep is so miniscule, my diet so mediocre that it has sometimes been a challenge just to steady my focus.
When will we get through this? Will we get through this? How does this change our lives and how might it better our lives? So many survive affairs and many don't. Some are so full of ego that they would just as soon walk away from their families as face the music. I'm hear to stand in face of the grand orchestra, the symphony, and the three tenors to prove my love to my dearest. To shout it at the top of my lungs and fight to keep our sacred history and armor...albeit now battle tested.
Walk with me on this journey of limited outcomes but unlimited potential. Change has arrived on my doorstep and is prying its way into my door, betraying me by not showing its face.
It seems impossible or almost comicle to look my wife in the eyes at this point and tell her that she should have faith in me...in our future, although I know that's what she needs to hear, regardless of the implied disingenuousness of the gesture. I do so and release those words into a face that is hardened with anger, sadness, and dispair. Her eyes a shape that I've not seen in being married to her for 10 years. A shape that betrays the natural order of her femininity, softness, and inner light. It is I that have betrayed those very qualities that I love about her and caused them to retreat behind a dam of sadness that leaks water through its cracks as the tide of anger subsides and allows passage.
Through the night, she riddles me with questions...questions so painful and so repetitive that I am stuck giving frustrating and exhausted answers until my mind ultimately reaches its guilt limit and automatically shuts down. I liken this to what Gitmo prisoners probably went through when hiding important national security information from their concerned and skilled interrogators. Water boarding doesn't hold a candle to this torture. My mind betrays me of the events as my sleep is so miniscule, my diet so mediocre that it has sometimes been a challenge just to steady my focus.
When will we get through this? Will we get through this? How does this change our lives and how might it better our lives? So many survive affairs and many don't. Some are so full of ego that they would just as soon walk away from their families as face the music. I'm hear to stand in face of the grand orchestra, the symphony, and the three tenors to prove my love to my dearest. To shout it at the top of my lungs and fight to keep our sacred history and armor...albeit now battle tested.
Walk with me on this journey of limited outcomes but unlimited potential. Change has arrived on my doorstep and is prying its way into my door, betraying me by not showing its face.
This is the Diary of a Husband Seeking Forgiveness.
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