The Healing Within

So I'm "unlovable" or at least that's what I have been telling myself. I've been unlovable since I was a child and left completely on my own to decide my worth, my value, my place in this world. I don't blame my parents, they did the best that they could do and quite frankly did far better than what their parents did for them. My Mother had two alcoholic parents, one that was abusive and my Dad's father left the home at an early age. My parents don't need forgivness, I need forgiveness from myself for all of the thoughts of unworthiness that I have created and then all of the destruction that occurred thereafter. I have done the absolute best that I could to date given the opinions that I have had of myself.

• I've worked myself into oblivion to compensate for my Mother labeling me as lazy.
• I've given all that I could possibly give and forgotten to give to my self to compensate for being called selfish.
• I've adopted an intense fear of not being on time or being absent for my children as a result of my parents never having the energy to be present for me when I was younger.
• I've coached 6 years of soccer to try and cleanse from myself the horrible feeling that my parents were rarely in the stands at my games.
• I've bought beautiful houses in the best neighborhoods to create an image of success to hide the lack of success that I really feel inside.
• And I've looked for love in compulsions and unhealthy places to fill holes that just couldn't be filled.

This is the end of the road for the "unlovable child". I accept that person and love that person so that he is no longer unlovable. I release all of the crazy thoughts, feelings, emotions and ultimately the pain that came along with that unlovable soul and put in its place the gifts of experience that came along with that duality. It is those experiences that make me the compassionate person that I am, the hard worker, the good father, the loving partner...and no longer will I allow the interruptions to that which I know I am. I am not the bad things that I have done...the secrecy, the lies, the betrayal, the abandonment.

This is where I find the most important forgiveness of all, forgiveness of self...and where I try to build upon that with forgiveness from those that I have hurt. This will come through my actions and through all of things that make me truly who I am and not who I have shown through my struggles. I am capable of so much more and there is so much more waiting for me as a result. It starts with My Dearest.