Lost in The Forest - Day 19

Its tough to say the words, "I have had an affair"...and especially to the person who was betrayed. My affair was so many different things and at so many different times, meeting a variety of needs and at the same time creating a different set of problems and negative feelings as a result. It was confusing, inconvenient, and scary while truthfully meeting some very basic needs that I was both aware of and unaware of on many levels. It was like being lost in a forest in the dead of Winter but having the sun's rays break through the trees to warm my skin as I look for civilization.

How could I do this...why would I have an affair?

I had an affair because I was angry, resentful and unable to resolve these feelings through a broken communications system. I had an affair because I was starving for any connection whatsoever to replenish my bankrupt heart. I had an affair because I needed to end this relationship as it existed in its current form and regardless of the ultimate cost. Maybe I had an affair because it was the one thing that you told me that you couldn't tolerate and mentioned untrustingly throughout our marriage in good times and in bad...was this prophecy or affirmation...I don't know. I had an affair because I am not perfect. Humans have affairs and this was my human side guiding me into unknown waters.

The time has come for me to go within and listen to my own heart and my own soul to determine what it is telling me via my actions. A clear message resonating through my mind when I sit still is that the work that needs to be done is absolutely pointless if the work is being performed to return the status quo. I don't want my old life back even though this statement keeps reverberating from My Dearest's lips. My heart has been screaming that it has been dying a slow death and guided me to the extremest of actions to assure resolution. Day 1 of the rest of my life is that resolution and for this my heart is excited, albeit fearful and very nervous just the same. I can do the work in any direction but feel strongly that the right direction is to re-grow my marriage to new heights and along differing pathways. If this is not what My Dearest should choose than let it be done and let us not stay forever in the inbetween. Time will tell all and so shall time resolve all. If there is any certainty whatsoever, it is that I will look back at some point in the future and say that this is the way it was supposed to be for My Dearest, My Children, and My Self.

Sliding doors all around me...

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me.