Turnabout...

I feel like I have just moved light years backwards but I asked for this...I asked very clearly and very definitively. Not only did I hear the answer but was given insight as to what was coming...I just didn't know that it would be the next day. I asked the universe if I was the only person in my relationship capable of hiding or secrecy because I felt so alone, so broken, so ashamed for being just that...but what was shown to me is that I am not.

So now that "I am not", I am without my words and for the first time am without my full trust. I suppose I could focus on what other hidden truths there are out there and run myself ragged about what else might be hidden from me, but I'm not sure of the value here. It's just not worth the energy or time spent coming from a place of insecurity as opposed to just faith...this would be the Wrong Way. I have faith that My Dearest will talk to me if there is more to talk about and do so on her timeline and when her feelings are clear.

Everybody has secrets...it just takes so much damn energy to keep a lid on them and / or unearth them, that I feel as though I can no longer afford to give them shelter, nor can I afford to get out my shovel and dig through up anybody else's. Today is a new day inclusive of all the previous events that brought me here and so it is truly today and tomorrow that are most worthy of my efforts.

Thoughts...brainstorm about what this means to my marriage:

• If my marriage isn't worth the truth for either of us, than it is regrettably not worth saving.
• If my marriage can't survive without using inappropriate relationships as support or in compliment, then it just isn't worth holding onto.
• If my marriage can't listen and incorporate my feelings then it is deaf, exclusive and useless as I need to be heard.

My heart tells me that my marriage is capable of everything above and so much more...just not in its current state and not without work. I'm grateful for this day and all others to come... grateful for all that My Dearest continues to teach me. Grateful for her beauty and her grace. Grateful that I close my eyes next to her each night and open them to see her still next to me.