To set the record straight, I am not Prince Charming nor will my life ever be a fairy tale. My life will have its share of ups and downs of which I know has reached the lowest point that it could ever descend to. The bottom isn't pretty, but at least brings a sliver of hope and faith that it can only get better from here. I am a human composed of many successes and many struggles just like you. My struggles aren't your fault and yet I understand that my struggles have become your pain. I don't know your pain other than the picture of it that you have painted for me. It's horrific, dark, and scary and I am afraid of it...so afraid that it often makes me want to run and hide. If forgiveness is anywhere on the horizon, I will wait many moons and many dawns to see it's rise in the form of a a new sky, but I am sometimes fearful that this is not on your calendar.
You have let me know that the love that we had has turned to hate. This is tough to swallow, but swallow I will. I've longed to hear a commitment from you toward finding love once again between us but have been deaf and blind to the commitment that you may have already stated in saying that you care not if love and happiness comes from me or elsewhere. That is your commitment...a commitment to indifference that I have been afraid to accept, but accept I will. I have been waiting for a new dawn on the horizon and so have you, but my sky sometimes looks nothing like the one that you envision. My orange sky has you sitting next to me snapping photographs while yours has a face that is yet to be determined or named...will call him Prince Charming I suppose and that might not be me.
I have been hearing / thinking with my mind and not my heart over the past couple of months and the mind has a way of ego filtering...a mode of protection. A mode in which it keeps thought processes from truly reaching the heart to protect us from pain, but somehow often keeps us from experiencing the pain that we need for growth. As I disconnect from the ego and the gamesmanship attached, I now feel what I need to feel, hear what I need to hear, see what I need to see. It's no longer about "the game", its about my life and what my life is telling me, but specifically what those in my life are telling me.
My Dearest, I badly, truly, deeply want you in my life forever and am afraid that your commitment to indifference is a commitment elsewhere and understandably so if Prince Charming is who you are looking for. My life will be no fairy tail, it will be as real as the images that you see on our monitor that we have collected over the past decade or as real as the images that you may see in some of your favorite blogs where there are photos of love and passion, yet with their own struggles underneath that go undocumented...the struggle or disagreement that occurred before the couple submerged themselves into one another to make up. It will be as real as the smiles that we have in our photos and even the tears that you have shed during this time that I have deeply disappointed. It will be a journey of rawness, spontaneity, and of variable outcomes and emotions...of supporting one another through whatever comes our way. It will be what we make of it, knowing and promising that I will never again make of it what I have so regretfully made of it today. I can no longer stomach causing you any more pain than I could stomach the death of my own heart.
On the tough side, if our skies should wind up different, then I hope your prince is everything that you could possibly wish for and that your fairy tale comes assembled and attached. If indifference is truly where your heart lies, then we are dead already, our hearts speaking different truths, our calendars not aligned and our skies of differing colors and different figures standing underneath. Oh, how I long for you to renounce this indifference, but I will pray for our happiness and support your idealism of such, all the while knowing that a vow of indifference does not represent a decision to be with me.
This is what my heart tells me when I ask it to grant me the purest of answers, free of ego, free of the outside interference, free of the protection that my mind so badly wants to grant. I go within and this is what I find.
I love you, My Dearest.
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