Easter morning...a time of rebirth. The morning that a great spiritual teacher was arisen from the dead and became immortal in the eyes of his followers.
Its been a tough week for My Dearest and I and thus I have been out of pocket. Emotions have been all over the place and it feels as though we are hanging by a thread. I can do nothing right, say nothing right, nor think anything right. I am thankful that we are still under the same roof and trying to work through the pain, but am starting to feel somewhat defeated at my core. Our realtionship, the fairy tale as it was is gone and we are now trying to determine what to put in its place. Is it two totally separate lives and resulting new relationships or is it a rebirthing of our marriage with two strengthened individuals, capable of being fully present for one another through all of the good times and the bad??
I continue to work through my feelings of having abandoned and hurt My Dearest and best friend at a time when she needed me the most. Although coming from a place of anger, hurt, and resentment, it just doesn't give justice to the terrible thing that I have done. I look at her face and and see how it has changed since this happened. It echoes through my soul, the mountain of pain that I have inflicted upon her. I see her wake up and go to sleep with this burden and sometimes wonder how long I can watch it without running as far away from here as I can. Then I come back to realizing that she is home and running from home is an exercise in futility. This is the endless, circular cycle that I continue to navigate and wait patiently for My Dearest's hand to reach out and grab mine to break the cycle and move us in a positive direction...all the while knowing that this day may not come soon, nor may it ever come.
So underneath this rainy Texas sky on Easter morning, I pray for forgiveness, pray for my own rebirth and pray for the lightening of the pain in mine and My Dearest's hearts so that we may experience joy and love on this holy day of awakening, spent with our three precious chlidren and our family.
May the Universe bring peace to all those in need today for there are so many out there who are less fortunate than we.
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