I was pondering today all that I know and love about My Dearest and thinking of defining moments in our relationship because of their etching of my memory. We have had a lot of special times, but when I call up the moments that I could never forget because of their intensity, several come to mind...
The moment I first laid eyes on her. She walked by me and I was mesmerized. Still to this day, she is so stunning and so its no surprise that I still remember the moment I laid eyes on her and the profound affect that it had on me.
Snuggling on a couch by ourselves in an after-hours bar that was full of people but I honestly felt like we were the only two people on the planet. We were kissing and cared nothing about the space beyond our surrounds nor who may have been looking. It was just us, the music, and a video screen showing crazy graphics that was so fitting in our young relationship.
Receiving from her a small card that had "beloved" written at the top of it and attached to the card with a small piece of ribbon, a key to her apartment...a special little thing that she did to welcome me permanently into her life and her surrounds.
Coming home from a long evening of djing and walking into her apartment full of helium balloons that were floating on the ceiling with strings hanging down. It was like walking into a "love wonderland" of sorts.
Proposing to My Dearest via poem in from of her whole family over Christmas time and seeing her cry as she accepted. She was so beautiful that evening with her black sparkly blouse with sort of a feathery neck. I'll never forget that special moment.
Making our own Malibu rum drinks on our honeymoon and scaling the side of a cliff in the rain to reach a hidden romantic restaurant that overlooks the Vallarta Ocean. We were right over the ocean with cheap white Christmas style lights illuminating the balcony as we dined on some of the best grilled shrimp that I have ever tasted.
Moving into our big first house with barely any furniture, no blinds, and not even a pan to cook with or a plate to eat off of. At the time, it was the finest castle on the planet, but nothing like the castle that we would pick today. Funny how tastes change!
Hearing from my My Dearest the words "I'm pregnant". Once in our Katy Castle and another time blindfolded as she led me to the hospital to tell me. Even more memorable, the natural birthing of our two youngest daughters...the grit, the love, the determination. She was absolutely amazing.
Sitting on the red rock cliffs of Sedona overlooking the valleys and watching her peacefully meditate...then driving to the Grand Canyon and watching the sunset while admiring its Greatness, beauty, mysticism, and peacefulness.
Holding hands while watching Nora Jones at the House of Blues in New Orleans. We didn't even have tickets but My Dearest "campaigned" our way in by making a "Need Nora tickets" sign. the music and atmosphere was incredible. Did I tell you that My Dearest moves mountains??
being proud of My Dearest as she drives me around the lake while wakeboarding...the stubborn man in me picking on her about the speed and particulars about the ride, all the while my heart practically bursting with pride to see her behind the wheel of the cool piece of machinery that we have enjoyed so much. It is such a turn on for me.
I feel as though life's ordinaries have taken a toll on me...that my focus somehow changed from making memories to just daily survival, from just getting by and having fun to planning for the future at the cost of today's happiness...that makes me sad. I had so much more fun when life was more simple and I had such fewer things to own, nourish, manage, and maintain. My Dearest and I are so good at living and making memories and I don't want to lose that. I know that a rebirth is required to achieve happiness with the love of my life and am for the first time considering some of my investments, my assets, my things as being a cause of our demise. I honestly don't know how I have kept up and I think the answer is that I haven't. I have kept everything afloat but drowned in the process of holding all above the water. I have cannibalized my hobbies and my own health by striving to see that everyone else's hobbies were taken care of.
My marriage was not perfect, but it didn't deserve this. My Dearest is not perfect, but she didn't deserve this. Nothing that I have is really worth anything if I can't share it with the loves of my life...and she being at the top of that list. Tough lessons to learn and maybe even learned a moment too late...but learned nonetheless. There is so much change in the air around me that I am practically smothered by it. Sometimes it brings me hope and makes me smile while other times it brings me to my knees, praying for the strength to endure it.
I am so humbled and so exposed right now...its as if a hundred emotions are pelting me simultaneously like a cold rain on a warm Summer day. Half of those drops gently cooling me as they softly make contact with my clothing and warm skin underneath...while the heavier ones assaulting and stinging me as they land on my bare skin and send me seeking cover. But I have no cover...just exposed...no where to run or hide from this storm. Embracing the rain both for its comfort and for its humility but most importantly for the dirt and debris that it washes away as I stand in its fury and embrace the cleansing and whatever rainbow that may follow.
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