Growing Beyond the Illusion

One of the most severe aftershocks that I face right now in the wake of my betrayal is seeing My Dearest struggle with the question of whether or not all that we have done, had, and shared was an illusion. Years of trust, years of work, years of growing...reduced in an instant to rubble like the passing of a raging storm over an island in the middle of the ocean. All the structure built over the years wiped clean in an instant and leaving her without shelter to run to. Around us, the aftermath of unfamiliarity with where the structures used to reside, sounds of an angry but calming ocean, rumbling thunder disappearing into the distance, and the slowing winds whistling through the palm trees. The sun is trying to show itself but only for an instant here and there as it battles the clouds while the violence subsides.

I shall continue to faithfully rebuild what was wiped clean...the only tools available to me being my affection, my persistence, words from my heart, good deeds when opportunity arises, and prayer for the strength and courage to stay this course. These are the limited building materials from which I must work. I have no riches to buy forgiveness (nor could it be bought), no music to sing her a sweet song of forgetting (nor does such a song exist), and no magic or sorcery to cast a love rejuvenating spell. Working steadfastly on today to build a better yesterday...brick by brick, mortar by mortar.

Our 10 years of marriage is no illusion. It isn't perfect, but is certainly not a tree that has born no fruit or goodness. When I look into my three daughter's faces and see them laughing, I know that our love is no illusion. When I marvel at all that we have built from nothing, I know that our love is no illusion, when I think of all the storms weathered, the mountains climbed, the laughter, tears, and sweat...I know that an illusion doesn't produce these things. We belong together and I will continue to offer shelter as I try and rebuild the island that we once called love...and with no matter that My Dearest isn't able to accept it for the time being. I will savor every romantic encounter with her, knowing and appreciating that those moments come in the form of simple things such as exercising together in the evenings, eating together and acknowledging the particular way that she builds her tasty morsels to devour, messaging her feet when she comes home at night, watching her chest rise and fall early in the morning as light first pierces the windows and she peacefully sleeps, or even tucking the covers around her before I leave for work each day. I'll cherish the time that we spend in our tree house bedroom talking, working, and growing through this pain and know thta these are the are the days of growth necessary for our future.

I love you My Dearest and know that we belong together...with the only true illusion being that what we have could ever be considered anything but real. I am sorry that my betrayal has brought this into question and take full accountability for the task at hand of proving how much I really do love and adore you...proving that indeed we do have something worth fighting for.