Fighting Through the Armour - Trying To Find You

Sometimes its really difficult to tell the one that you love most in the world how devoted you are to them when you have made such painful mistakes that might imply the opposite.

Its just as difficult to tell the most beautiful girl in the world how beautiful she is when you have mistakenly described another as being beautiful...

Nonetheless, My Dearest, I love you from the bottom of my heart, inside and out and that love is as strong as it has ever been. There is no greater respect or admiration than that which I have for you, your pain, your endurance and patience.

You are the most beautiful person that I have ever laid eyes on...even in your pain although its really tough knowing that when you drift into that pain, you are agonizing over where I have taken our relationship and the challenges that we are enduring as a result. This is excruciating for me to take and gets tougher on me with each passing day.

You are a devoted mother to our children...devoted wife and friend to me. I appreciate every day that you have been in my life even though there were times when I got lost and abandoned our relationship, failing to aknowledge who you are and what you mean to me.

You are a comfort to all of those that seek your spiritual advice and understanding in their darkest of times and I am glad to have you near me in my darkest hour for the same. It is a privilege to be your husband, to wake up next to you each morning no matter the difficulties involved in the day or evening before as we struggle through our pain to build a greater understanding of one another and thus a greater friendship, love, and ultimately a trust that can only come with time.

I love you, My Dearest with a love that is greater than any other although I can't and won't expect you to be able to take that at face value given the circumstances. My actions through time will show you my commitment and devotion to you and our family. I appreciate you for all thta you are and all thta you are battling through.

All of my Love.....

Might As Well Face It...I'm Addicted to Love

Sometimes its hard to acknowledge the parts of you that contributed to an unhealthy relationship but in avoiding the disclosure of such, I would deny myself of the much-needed medicine and cure so hear goes...

I am a love addict in that I will work myself to death to connect to the one that I love most in this world, even when due to her own circumstances or wounds, she isn't able to provide the connection that I most desperately need.

I've strayed from our relationship emotionally and even beyond emotionally when I didn't get what I needed...even to the standpoint of comprimising my own value system. It was never that I didn't have values or integrity, but that my pain was so great and heart so empty that values fell further down the list than the love that I was wanting to feel and receive. My integrity should never been comprimised and this I have learned.

In times when I needed to be heard, I cowered away from forcing the issue with the goal in mind of not allowing the one that I love the most in this world to have a reason to turn her back on me...because what she would hear from me might be unpleasant...and unpleasance translates to avoidance...avoidance to more pain for me.

I've not only allowed an unhealthy balance in my realtionship, I have fed it...I have created a huge monster that I must now work ten times as hard to sleigh than had I recognized this sooner and before I have made so many desperate and poor choices...but conquer this I will and committed to the effort I am. I will re-gain and re-discover myself through this journey, wherever it may take me and as I pick myself off of the bottom.

I suppose The only beautiful thing about being at the bottom is seeing all the places that you can view from here which represent improved elevations...the improvements being the levels of self-worth and self-love as I ascend from my darkest place and during my darkest hour.

To say im sorry is not enough for the things i have done and all the things you are going through.

To say im sorry doesn't make all the mistakes go away.

To say I'm sorry doesn't take away our challenges of achieving forgiveness, trust, and love in our relationship.

To say im sorry means that i realize my mistakes and aknowledge them from my heart to yours.


We learn the most important things in life while saying i'm sorry and what I learn from this is how much I truly love and adore you and how astray I have been while battling my own wounds and inner demons.

My Dearest, I love you and I am truly sorry.

I've seen an angel and want you to know,

If it was my choice to make,

Would never let you go,

Don't know what life holds...

Maybe there's no reason or rhyme,

To think you may be mine in a matter of time,

And though I cannot touch you and we are now apart,

My Love...you do dwell...so deep within my heart.