Sometimes its hard to acknowledge the parts of you that contributed to an unhealthy relationship but in avoiding the disclosure of such, I would deny myself of the much-needed medicine and cure so hear goes...I am a love addict in that I will work myself to death to connect to the one that I love most in this world, even when due to her own circumstances or wounds, she isn't able to provide the connection that I most desperately need.
I've strayed from our relationship emotionally and even beyond emotionally when I didn't get what I needed...even to the standpoint of comprimising my own value system. It was never that I didn't have values or integrity, but that my pain was so great and heart so empty that values fell further down the list than the love that I was wanting to feel and receive. My integrity should never been comprimised and this I have learned.
In times when I needed to be heard, I cowered away from forcing the issue with the goal in mind of not allowing the one that I love the most in this world to have a reason to turn her back on me...because what she would hear from me might be unpleasant...and unpleasance translates to avoidance...avoidance to more pain for me.
I've not only allowed an unhealthy balance in my realtionship, I have fed it...I have created a huge monster that I must now work ten times as hard to sleigh than had I recognized this sooner and before I have made so many desperate and poor choices...but conquer this I will and committed to the effort I am. I will re-gain and re-discover myself through this journey, wherever it may take me and as I pick myself off of the bottom.
I suppose The only beautiful thing about being at the bottom is seeing all the places that you can view from here which represent improved elevations...the improvements being the levels of self-worth and self-love as I ascend from my darkest place and during my darkest hour.
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