So much has changed of late and I have been remiss not to catalogue all of my feelings along the way, so here goes...My Dearest and I just spent the most fantastic week of our lives in Paris where we lived like French people and breathed in the French air while exhaling all that we had gone through over the past year at home. We renewed our vows on our tenth wedding anniversary in the Eiffel Tower Park as the Tower sparkled in the background. We dined on bread, cheese, wine, and crepes and allowed ourselves to be captivated by the history of the region and all of its glamour. The Eiffel now ingrained in my psyche as a symbol of light.
It has been a tough road to get where we are, but with every step a building block to a stronger us. I find myself more in love with My Dearest than I have ever been, more understanding of who she is and why she is the person that I so dearly love, and most respectful of her strength as a partner, a friend, and lover. Words cannot fairly describe the pain that I have put her through and the many reasons that I have given her to run...of which she endured with a grace that I have seen from none other in my life. She stood by me and our family when so many were calling for her to do the opposite and surely with her own heart doing the calling on many sleepless nights and anxious days. It's weird how roles reverse as I once considered myself the rock in our relationship and all of a sudden I am viewing her as our solid foundation with an awe-stricken gratitude felt at the very depths of my soul. She has sheltered me and our relationship in this time of intense weather...picked me up, dried me off and pulled me back onto our path while letting me know that she wouldn't ever be able to muster up the energy to do the same ever again. I love her for this...
I have left a support group that I had reconnected with in favor of standing on my own two feet and choosing Spirit as my guide...as opposed to seeking guidance from external sources that are just as human as I. In my renewed commitment to my wife (and self), I vowed to abandon any and all things that didn't support our goals of "one-ness" and my heart was telling me that my support group was more interested in labeling me and / or my relationship than strengthening it...more intersted in analysis than healing. Thus, overall, I am making a commitment to choose Spirit and Strength rather than declare that I am broken and "my life unmanageable". My life is manageable albeit with good decisions and friends / family to talk to when times are tough. Therapy was good for analyzing how I got here, but won't serve me or provide the kind of nourishment that I need for the road ahead. Nourishment will come from prayer, meditation, and listening to my Spirit Guides as they breathe life into me and help me to get back on the road to fulfilling my greatest potential. I used to be really good at listening to my heart and somewhere that got lost long the way. Just like riding a bike, I have once again started listening to my heart as sliding doors and forks in the road approach.
My Dearest's family and I had a very inspiring talk to put this ordeal behind us...a talk that was very painful but one that begun the process of healing that is required for us to find and nourish the love that we shared amongst each other prior to the distance that I created in my actions. I took turns listening to the ways in which I had disappointed each of them and hurt them and at the same time was handed their forgiveness. We vowed to become our own support group to be called upon when either of us appears to be headed for a train wreck. As we all have our stuff and can veer off path when life's challenges become too much to handle, this was a bold idea in favor of strengthening our family and assuring that each of us as individual links in the chain have a support system around us that won't allow failure. This is Spirit and I am lucky to have so much of it around me to draw upon as I fill myself up and step into the light.
May the light wash all of the shadows away and cleanse us of our painful memories to begin anew.
