When we fall, why do we often fall so far?Its easy to know when our paths have taken us away from Spirit but yet so tough to understand why we can't stop ourselves from some of our greatest crashes.
Its almost as if the very circumstances that lead to our demise are also the very things that cloud our judgement and thinking by just enough so as to not be able to truly see ourselves falling or see ourselves straying from the path. We all know the feeling of being at the bottom and being sure that we didn't reach the bottom on our own account...everyone else was to blame, of course.
But when we finally quit the blame game and realize that we don't have to blame ourselves nor anyone else for that matter, we see that the only importance is today and getting back up and getting back on the spiritual path. The path of love never left us...It was we that left the path. We left the path because our ego told us that our rules were more important than the guidance of Spirit. The crash is simply a reminder to us of how far we may have strayed from that path and to remind us that the goodness / oneness of living in Spirit still exists and is waiting for our return. The harder the crash, the further away we stepped from our highest selves.
I'm so plugged into Spirit right now that I feel like I am starting to sparkle from the inside. My eyes water every hour or so from a cocktail made up from the the goodness that I feel and yet also from the sadness in knowing what I have put My Dearest through during this "Crisis of Spirit". I am humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed to a great degree; but, am less defined and reactive from those feelings with every passing day. It feels like a hangover of sorts that reminds you that you never want to repeat the unspiritual binge that gave you this great headache and nausea that accompanies you this morning.
I feel as though through much of my marriage, I have withheld. I withheld myself in order to assure that My Dearest didn't get more of me than I got of her. I think a lot of us play this game and I even think My Dearest plays it as well...but this is where failure begins. It's where our efforts to minimize the damage to our egos caused by a failure of a relationship actually result in the failure that we so dearly want to avoid. Okay, My Dearest, this is where I shamefully admit that I am a game player...but this is also where I end the game for myself, for you, and ultimately for our family. I don't need to receive any longer as a premise to giving. After committing to this and living it for a couple of months, I actually feel like it is so much easier to just completely put myself out there in love than it is to withhold myself in fear. Does it feel completely safe? No, it doesn't. Am I a little fearful on occasion and is my ego constantly trying to force its way back into my marriage? Yes, every single day.
But when I look at where My Dearest and I have come to in playing the "me, myself, and I game", I really don't feel that I have anything to lose by shifting focus completely to her needs and far away from my own (my group would have a field day with this one!!!). I also realize that my fears of giving myself whole-heartedly to somebody aren't arising out of anything that My Dearest has done, but from having given myself to my parents as a child and ultimately feeling as though they abandoned me. After all, don't we as children give ourselves, our safety, our security, our love completely to our caretakers for safekeeping? My parents are wonderful and they did the best that they could; and far better than what they received from their caretakers. I wouldn't change these tough feelings and actually I can't...but I now understand how those feelings have driven every decision made in my life ever since (the good decisions and the bad), inclusive of who I chose to spend the rest of my life with. My Dearest had me from the very words "I want to take care of you" and that was no coincidence nor accident that she spoke those important words to me. I still believe that she wants to take care of me...and even after all these years and all that we have been through.
It is as if I have been holding my breathe for 2 decades and finally being allowed to inhale...the force with which the Universe has opened the door and opened my eyes to see why we love, how we love and even what love truly it is. My head is spinning and my pulse alive with realizing how I got to this place and my heart confident in knowing how to stay on the path of Spirit in my marriage and all of my relationships from this day forward.
I can't change the past...but I can promise myself and My Dearest to make the future so beautiful and so lovely that we would be remiss to ever want to focus on what's behind us. I cretaed some beauty and I created some lovely today.
Tomorrow I create some more...
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