Beautiful Woman Seeking Prince

To set the record straight, I am not Prince Charming nor will my life ever be a fairy tale. My life will have its share of ups and downs of which I know has reached the lowest point that it could ever descend to. The bottom isn't pretty, but at least brings a sliver of hope and faith that it can only get better from here.

I am a human composed of many successes and many struggles just like you. My struggles aren't your fault and yet I understand that my struggles have become your pain. I don't know your pain other than the picture of it that you have painted for me. It's horrific, dark, and scary and I am afraid of it...so afraid that it often makes me want to run and hide. If forgiveness is anywhere on the horizon, I will wait many moons and many dawns to see it's rise in the form of a a new sky, but I am sometimes fearful that this is not on your calendar.

You have let me know that the love that we had has turned to hate. This is tough to swallow, but swallow I will. I've longed to hear a commitment from you toward finding love once again between us but have been deaf and blind to the commitment that you may have already stated in saying that you care not if love and happiness comes from me or elsewhere. That is your commitment...a commitment to indifference that I have been afraid to accept, but accept I will. I have been waiting for a new dawn on the horizon and so have you, but my sky sometimes looks nothing like the one that you envision. My orange sky has you sitting next to me snapping photographs while yours has a face that is yet to be determined or named...will call him Prince Charming I suppose and that might not be me.

I have been hearing / thinking with my mind and not my heart over the past couple of months and the mind has a way of ego filtering...a mode of protection. A mode in which it keeps thought processes from truly reaching the heart to protect us from pain, but somehow often keeps us from experiencing the pain that we need for growth. As I disconnect from the ego and the gamesmanship attached, I now feel what I need to feel, hear what I need to hear, see what I need to see. It's no longer about "the game", its about my life and what my life is telling me, but specifically what those in my life are telling me.

My Dearest, I badly, truly, deeply want you in my life forever and am afraid that your commitment to indifference is a commitment elsewhere and understandably so if Prince Charming is who you are looking for. My life will be no fairy tail, it will be as real as the images that you see on our monitor that we have collected over the past decade or as real as the images that you may see in some of your favorite blogs where there are photos of love and passion, yet with their own struggles underneath that go undocumented...the struggle or disagreement that occurred before the couple submerged themselves into one another to make up. It will be as real as the smiles that we have in our photos and even the tears that you have shed during this time that I have deeply disappointed. It will be a journey of rawness, spontaneity, and of variable outcomes and emotions...of supporting one another through whatever comes our way. It will be what we make of it, knowing and promising that I will never again make of it what I have so regretfully made of it today. I can no longer stomach causing you any more pain than I could stomach the death of my own heart.

On the tough side, if our skies should wind up different, then I hope your prince is everything that you could possibly wish for and that your fairy tale comes assembled and attached. If indifference is truly where your heart lies, then we are dead already, our hearts speaking different truths, our calendars not aligned and our skies of differing colors and different figures standing underneath. Oh, how I long for you to renounce this indifference, but I will pray for our happiness and support your idealism of such, all the while knowing that a vow of indifference does not represent a decision to be with me.

This is what my heart tells me when I ask it to grant me the purest of answers, free of ego, free of the outside interference, free of the protection that my mind so badly wants to grant. I go within and this is what I find.

I love you, My Dearest.

Growing Beyond the Illusion

One of the most severe aftershocks that I face right now in the wake of my betrayal is seeing My Dearest struggle with the question of whether or not all that we have done, had, and shared was an illusion. Years of trust, years of work, years of growing...reduced in an instant to rubble like the passing of a raging storm over an island in the middle of the ocean. All the structure built over the years wiped clean in an instant and leaving her without shelter to run to. Around us, the aftermath of unfamiliarity with where the structures used to reside, sounds of an angry but calming ocean, rumbling thunder disappearing into the distance, and the slowing winds whistling through the palm trees. The sun is trying to show itself but only for an instant here and there as it battles the clouds while the violence subsides.

I shall continue to faithfully rebuild what was wiped clean...the only tools available to me being my affection, my persistence, words from my heart, good deeds when opportunity arises, and prayer for the strength and courage to stay this course. These are the limited building materials from which I must work. I have no riches to buy forgiveness (nor could it be bought), no music to sing her a sweet song of forgetting (nor does such a song exist), and no magic or sorcery to cast a love rejuvenating spell. Working steadfastly on today to build a better yesterday...brick by brick, mortar by mortar.

Our 10 years of marriage is no illusion. It isn't perfect, but is certainly not a tree that has born no fruit or goodness. When I look into my three daughter's faces and see them laughing, I know that our love is no illusion. When I marvel at all that we have built from nothing, I know that our love is no illusion, when I think of all the storms weathered, the mountains climbed, the laughter, tears, and sweat...I know that an illusion doesn't produce these things. We belong together and I will continue to offer shelter as I try and rebuild the island that we once called love...and with no matter that My Dearest isn't able to accept it for the time being. I will savor every romantic encounter with her, knowing and appreciating that those moments come in the form of simple things such as exercising together in the evenings, eating together and acknowledging the particular way that she builds her tasty morsels to devour, messaging her feet when she comes home at night, watching her chest rise and fall early in the morning as light first pierces the windows and she peacefully sleeps, or even tucking the covers around her before I leave for work each day. I'll cherish the time that we spend in our tree house bedroom talking, working, and growing through this pain and know thta these are the are the days of growth necessary for our future.

I love you My Dearest and know that we belong together...with the only true illusion being that what we have could ever be considered anything but real. I am sorry that my betrayal has brought this into question and take full accountability for the task at hand of proving how much I really do love and adore you...proving that indeed we do have something worth fighting for.

Embracing Yesterday and Waiting on Tomorrow

I was pondering today all that I know and love about My Dearest and thinking of defining moments in our relationship because of their etching of my memory. We have had a lot of special times, but when I call up the moments that I could never forget because of their intensity, several come to mind...

The moment I first laid eyes on her. She walked by me and I was mesmerized. Still to this day, she is so stunning and so its no surprise that I still remember the moment I laid eyes on her and the profound affect that it had on me.

Snuggling on a couch by ourselves in an after-hours bar that was full of people but I honestly felt like we were the only two people on the planet. We were kissing and cared nothing about the space beyond our surrounds nor who may have been looking. It was just us, the music, and a video screen showing crazy graphics that was so fitting in our young relationship.

Receiving from her a small card that had "beloved" written at the top of it and attached to the card with a small piece of ribbon, a key to her apartment...a special little thing that she did to welcome me permanently into her life and her surrounds.

Coming home from a long evening of djing and walking into her apartment full of helium balloons that were floating on the ceiling with strings hanging down. It was like walking into a "love wonderland" of sorts.

Proposing to My Dearest via poem in from of her whole family over Christmas time and seeing her cry as she accepted. She was so beautiful that evening with her black sparkly blouse with sort of a feathery neck. I'll never forget that special moment.

Making our own Malibu rum drinks on our honeymoon and scaling the side of a cliff in the rain to reach a hidden romantic restaurant that overlooks the Vallarta Ocean. We were right over the ocean with cheap white Christmas style lights illuminating the balcony as we dined on some of the best grilled shrimp that I have ever tasted.

Moving into our big first house with barely any furniture, no blinds, and not even a pan to cook with or a plate to eat off of. At the time, it was the finest castle on the planet, but nothing like the castle that we would pick today. Funny how tastes change!

Hearing from my My Dearest the words "I'm pregnant". Once in our Katy Castle and another time blindfolded as she led me to the hospital to tell me. Even more memorable, the natural birthing of our two youngest daughters...the grit, the love, the determination. She was absolutely amazing.

Sitting on the red rock cliffs of Sedona overlooking the valleys and watching her peacefully meditate...then driving to the Grand Canyon and watching the sunset while admiring its Greatness, beauty, mysticism, and peacefulness.

Holding hands while watching Nora Jones at the House of Blues in New Orleans. We didn't even have tickets but My Dearest "campaigned" our way in by making a "Need Nora tickets" sign. the music and atmosphere was incredible. Did I tell you that My Dearest moves mountains??

being proud of My Dearest as she drives me around the lake while wakeboarding...the stubborn man in me picking on her about the speed and particulars about the ride, all the while my heart practically bursting with pride to see her behind the wheel of the cool piece of machinery that we have enjoyed so much. It is such a turn on for me.

I feel as though life's ordinaries have taken a toll on me...that my focus somehow changed from making memories to just daily survival, from just getting by and having fun to planning for the future at the cost of today's happiness...that makes me sad. I had so much more fun when life was more simple and I had such fewer things to own, nourish, manage, and maintain. My Dearest and I are so good at living and making memories and I don't want to lose that. I know that a rebirth is required to achieve happiness with the love of my life and am for the first time considering some of my investments, my assets, my things as being a cause of our demise. I honestly don't know how I have kept up and I think the answer is that I haven't. I have kept everything afloat but drowned in the process of holding all above the water. I have cannibalized my hobbies and my own health by striving to see that everyone else's hobbies were taken care of.

My marriage was not perfect, but it didn't deserve this. My Dearest is not perfect, but she didn't deserve this. Nothing that I have is really worth anything if I can't share it with the loves of my life...and she being at the top of that list. Tough lessons to learn and maybe even learned a moment too late...but learned nonetheless. There is so much change in the air around me that I am practically smothered by it. Sometimes it brings me hope and makes me smile while other times it brings me to my knees, praying for the strength to endure it.

I am so humbled and so exposed right now...its as if a hundred emotions are pelting me simultaneously like a cold rain on a warm Summer day. Half of those drops gently cooling me as they softly make contact with my clothing and warm skin underneath...while the heavier ones assaulting and stinging me as they land on my bare skin and send me seeking cover. But I have no cover...just exposed...no where to run or hide from this storm. Embracing the rain both for its comfort and for its humility but most importantly for the dirt and debris that it washes away as I stand in its fury and embrace the cleansing and whatever rainbow that may follow.

Day 52 - Easter - A Day of Rebirth

Easter morning...a time of rebirth. The morning that a great spiritual teacher was arisen from the dead and became immortal in the eyes of his followers.

Its been a tough week for My Dearest and I and thus I have been out of pocket. Emotions have been all over the place and it feels as though we are hanging by a thread. I can do nothing right, say nothing right, nor think anything right. I am thankful that we are still under the same roof and trying to work through the pain, but am starting to feel somewhat defeated at my core. Our realtionship, the fairy tale as it was is gone and we are now trying to determine what to put in its place. Is it two totally separate lives and resulting new relationships or is it a rebirthing of our marriage with two strengthened individuals, capable of being fully present for one another through all of the good times and the bad??

I continue to work through my feelings of having abandoned and hurt My Dearest and best friend at a time when she needed me the most. Although coming from a place of anger, hurt, and resentment, it just doesn't give justice to the terrible thing that I have done. I look at her face and and see how it has changed since this happened. It echoes through my soul, the mountain of pain that I have inflicted upon her. I see her wake up and go to sleep with this burden and sometimes wonder how long I can watch it without running as far away from here as I can. Then I come back to realizing that she is home and running from home is an exercise in futility. This is the endless, circular cycle that I continue to navigate and wait patiently for My Dearest's hand to reach out and grab mine to break the cycle and move us in a positive direction...all the while knowing that this day may not come soon, nor may it ever come.

So underneath this rainy Texas sky on Easter morning, I pray for forgiveness, pray for my own rebirth and pray for the lightening of the pain in mine and My Dearest's hearts so that we may experience joy and love on this holy day of awakening, spent with our three precious chlidren and our family.

May the Universe bring peace to all those in need today for there are so many out there who are less fortunate than we.

A Day of Giving

Things have been pretty tough for My Dearest and I as of late and it has left me feeling low so I felt like doing something good...something good that might reach outside of my own little circle of family...something that may warm me a little from this chill that I feel.

Operation Sack Lunch:

My girls and I went and purchased the materials to make 50 sack lunches to give to those that may not have something to eat and so we set up an assembly line at our house and started cranking them out.

Duties:

Oldest Daughter- Chief Mayo Spreader
Middle Daughter - Bagging Agent
Youngest Daughter - Potato Chip Bagger
My Dearest - Really Good Looking Delivery Passenger (and the one who told me about the shelter that feeds the homeless who always needs sack lunches)

So we had a good time and ultimately paid it forward today. My daughters learned how to give of their time to help others while enjoying the lone time with Dad in our manufacturing plant! We have SO much to be thankful for and thus 50 people less fortunate than I were the anonymous beneficiaries of our time and energy.

A quick prayer to those that are on the street and in need today...those that are hungry, those that are without shelter, those that are sick...those that have no idea what tomorrow's struggles will be. If anybody reads this and has some extra time, think about calling the closest shelter and asking if you can do the same. A few people spent a few hours today to benefit fifty others...how can you beat that??

I Would Miss Her Scars

It seems odd...the things that you would miss about someone if they weren't in your life any longer.

Last night I was laying in bed, my Dearest was asleep and my hand found the scar on her forehead from when she was little and had an unfortunate accident with a broken mirror. As my fingers lightly traced the shape of that scar, I thought to myself that I would really miss her scars if she were gone. From the moment I became familiar with my wife's body, I have always been drawn to her scars...a symbol of something painful or stressful in her life that she grew from and ultimately became who she is today, albeit with a marker or reminder of some turmoil. I've kissed all of her scars and told her how much I admire them.

She has others and I sometimes see her glancing at them in the mirror and wishing them away...but as they are the essence of her, I love what they represent...the character, the wisdom, the pain that she has endured.

We all have our scars, scars that we wish away...some harder to accept than others because of the shame or humiliation behind them, but I think it is the very acceptance of those scars and ultimately the pride in those scars that truly sets us free. I am so guilty of retreating from my scars of late. there was a time when I was proud of my scars and they served me in knowing that I could achieve anything because of where I had been and what I had endured. But at some point, I quit embracing those memories and ran from them...hid from them in the darkest corners that I could find. This shifted me from my place of love to a place of fear...a fear of self...a self-perpetuating fear so destructive that it would aim to remove everything from my life that is so dear to me.

I haven't been myself because I haven't loved myself. I tried to run from "me" and that is a race that we will all surely lose. Today I am learning again to love my scars as I love My Dearest's scars and knowing that they are drivers for my success as opposed to being barriers against said success.

Perhaps if my scars were to magically disappear, I would miss them like I would miss My Dearest's. If I couldn't reflect on those scars and see them in the mirror, I'd have no real understanding of who I am or where I have been.