Dearest Elizabeth

The Phoenix

2010-06-01T16:51:00.000-05:00

Beautiful, glorious, and sacrificing self for renewal, you build a pyre and set yourself ablaze. For the sake of self.

Red bird of fire you come forth through your ashes a new bird shedding the old self which no longer is needed.

You embrace your new strength and fly to the heights of the sky to the city of the sun and give the ashes unto the alter of the sun god for your immortality.

Embrace your self for you are a child of the sun and will live eternal through birth, death and renewal.

Your spirit never dies.

Rebecca Wiles

My Dearest, when I read this, it reminded me of where we are and all that we have been through. I do believe that we rise from this experience stronger, wiser, and much deeper...both as individuals and collectively in this soul partnership. I have taken this opportunity to grow and have risen from the ashes a new man, capable of so much more than the boy that you married.

I love you truly, madly, deeply...

Love Is...

2010-05-21T10:50:00.000-05:00

Love isn't an act, it's a whole life.

It's staying with her now because you need one another;

It's knowing that you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures, when all that's on the shelf and done with...

Love, why I'll tell you what love is: it's you at seventy-eight and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other's step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime's talk is over.

--Brian Moore

Beautiful...

2010-04-28T15:44:00.000-05:00

When I tell you how beautiful you are, I am commenting on much more than what a mirror would project...for the image that I am admiring goes way further than skin deep.

I see an ocean of love in which I long to take endless swims, blue as your eyes on a Summer's afternoon.

I see doves flying high into the sky, reminding me of the peace that you are...long after the drama of the day's events has unfolded and been put to rest.

I hear the playfulness and the joyful laughter underneath the seriousness that we often create in the effort of achieving our Earthly goals.

When looking at you, I feel a comfort or deja vu of the way you looked and felt when we frollicked together in heaven's garden and agreed once more to embark in a human journey of living, growing, changing, loving, experiencing and understanding.

I see God in all of her perfection; blue skies, fluffy clouds, flowing rivers, sparkling seas, beautiful mountain tops, the changing of the seasons...Summer rains tapping on rooftops as our bodies lay entangled underneath.

Pictures of fiery horses running through Irish fields of green...the nobility that we had and shared in other times, places, and life experiences here.

I aknowledge your magnificent spiritual presence in all of its glory; the unwavering truth and unadulturated piece of this interconnected universe to which I too am attached.

In you, I see my salvation, my return to divinity, a oneness with God and Spirit, my pathway to knowing myself and honoring myself so as to know you and honor you just the same.

When I tell you how beautiful you are, it is my soul speaking to yours in a language that goes much further than how you may look at any given moment...I am letting you know of the overwhelming beauty I feel in my heart for all things good that you have brought into my life.

I love you truly, madly, deeply...my Dearest...

~David

My Dearest is a Superstar...

2010-04-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

My Baby is a superstar and she doesn't even know it.

They fall at her feet in admiration of what she does, yet her sight never meets the floor to notice.

The room lights up when she walks in, gazes affixed as she walks by...(sometimes this makes it tough to be the husband :) )

She's really funny, yet keeps this hidden from those that don't know her well.

She could tame a wild animal with her Southern Charm and uses this like a weapon on me daily...I'm just no match for her!

Her music captivates so many and provides healing guidance for those that seek her assistance but she focuses not on the masses, but only on the one that sits in front of her at any given moment.

She calls herself "underground" so as to avoid the aknowledgement of noteriety. The stage could be hers, but take it she does not.

My Baby is a superstar...and me, her biggest groupie!

Another Sleepless Night

2010-04-21T14:07:00.001-05:00

Another sleepless night last night but one always worth enduring for my heart and my soul rests with My Dearest, who remains so angry and disappointed with me. Abandonment is the feeling but I go where my heart tells me to go, say what my heart tells me must be said, and give love the way my heart instructs me to.

It is a good feeling to respond in love and to know that love is the only choice...yet certainly a challenge to ignore the fear that tries to creep into the mind when the one you love is pushing you away. My ego has no place in this situation and I give it no power.

I am blessed in this life for all that I have around me which brings me constant joy. I am blessed to be married to my best friend and to be so loved by someone, that she is willing to push through the pain so that we can grow and ultimately try and remain together.

Thank you Spirit for finding me, for filling me, for being my source of strength when I fear that there is none and a source of peace when chaos is everywhere to be found. Thank you Universe for the warmth that fills my heart in even the coldest of moments, just in knowing that this, too shall pass. Thank you God for helping me to accept the things I cannot change while giving me the courage to change the things I can.

I am eternally grateful...and your servant forever more.

To Those I Have Hurt...

2010-02-16T16:11:00.001-06:00

This year is living proof that life's toughest times inspire the most growth. For it is in the most tumultuous year of my marriage that I discovered who I am, who my wife truly is and why I love her so much. It is as if I was sleepwalking through much of the last decade, living life and emotion on the very surface...never really diving down to see the beauty and sometimes the darkness of what was underneath. For we are driven by the very depths of our subconcious, where our strongest desires and fears reside and ultimately determine our actions and the resulting perceptions of success and failure...with the scariest thing about this being that we rarely see our biggest tragedies or mistakes while we are in the midst of them.

I wish it hadn't taken utter chaos in my life to wake me up to the beauty that I had around me, but such is the plight of all of humanity. It is often our bottom that allows us the opportunity for spiritual transformation to see things in a different light and create "new life" where pain and suffering previously existed. My life is a miracle and becomes more of a miracle with every passing day. Little by little, I source out the thoughts and and behaviors that have brought me pain and simply remove them from my life. I suppose that's how we should always live our lives, but I must have lost the instruction manual and frankly never been one that was patient enough to sit down and read a manual anyway. To summarize what it would probably say, is that it is our very thoughts and behaviors that create our experience and the quality of our relationships...tough thoughts bring tough times and thus my ill perceptions have made a mess of our lives over the past few years.

So nearly one year after I turned our family's lives upside down, I have the following:

To my wife and three little girls whom I have taken for granted, I am deeply sorry for a year of great pain and uncertainty that I selfishly and arrogantly thrust upon us. This extends to all who are close to us and deeply love us as well, who have also had to watch and experience pain on their own level. To My Dearest Elizabeth and soulmate, I am humbled by the strength that you have shown in holding it all together despite the many times that you probably wondered how and if you could. I will forever look upon our little family and see you as the glue that binds. You have "walked the walk" of loyalty and integrity in this marriage and served as an unwavering example of courage and will through adversity. I learn from you each and every day and I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.

I now wake up every morning and see the the miracle of my life, the miracle of all that I have been blessed with, the miracle of My Dearest Elizabeth...the miracle that I intend to honor, to nurture, to protect from this day forwrad for all the days that she will have me.

I love you and deeply appreciate you.

~D

What If ??

2010-02-10T10:02:00.000-06:00

My Dearest,

What if, when we held each other, our flesh

became consciousness itself?

What if our flesh commingled
became the mother of light
and sound, the vast word,
the ocean forgotten at birth?

What if, when we held each other,
the skin between us slipped away,
and our old exasperated tongues
turned into everything that heals,
into one long kiss, the kiss that started
when the universe began.

What if, when we held each other,
nothing survived but one shared breath,
nothing survived but the sweet odors
of gentle and tempestuous love,
nothing survived but our sensual hearts
singing the only song there is.

What if when we held each other
we danced in that very moment of Now
and forgot all other moments before.

What if we lived every moment like that
in life and love's embrace?
no moments before, no moments after,
just the instant which the universe had blessed
us with no promise of future instants to be granted.

Sure......

2010-01-20T14:12:00.004-06:00

Can I trust you, she asked...

Towering over me with only the flickering light of a candle illuminating her gourgeous angel features and associated expressions........the curves of her eyes, her cheeks, and soft lips, matched with a glowing of the skin on her naked body, matching that of her naked and vulnerable mind, which doesn't often enough allow such a question....

Sure as the sun will rise for every new day, I shall listen to you, hear your voice, and rise to meet your every need...

Sure as the winds move across the ocean's surface, so shall I always move across our own distances in love...and always toward you...

Sure as the sky turns gray, then blue...so shall my love weather all storms that come our way...

Sure as the stars shine brightly in the clear night sky, so shall my heart shine brightly as it bares your name... and only your name...even now it whispers your name as it beats to give me life.

Sure as the montain stands tall over the rivers and valleys below so shall I stand and watch over you...protecting you, never leaving your side...not ever again...

Sure as the cleansing rains are sent to nourish all that depend on it, so shall I provide for and support you, who often, but not always depends on me.

Sure as the tides ebb and flow with the changing energy of the moon, so shall my love remain flexible to your many moons and changing energy...

Sure as our feet find eachother easch and every night, no matter the state thta we may have been in while falling asleep, shall i find you no matter where your ego may mistakenly tell you to run and hide...

...and as her tears rained down upon my chest last night, they carried with it a message from her soul to mine...a message of wanting to trust me, yet aknowledging the delicate process to arriving there. This is where I stand in the fire no matter the heat, ignoring my own ego and allowing my own vulnerability.

Can I trust you, she asked?

I'm Sure....

11.22 - A Heavenly Number and Birthday of an Angel

2009-11-23T10:18:00.002-06:00

It is on this very day 33 years ago that My Dearest Angel opened her eyes and took her first breath. And it would be many breathes later that she would walk into my life and change it forever more. She would bring joy that I would have never known otherwise and wisdom through both pleasure and pain that could only be experienced through the deepest of loves...for it is only out of deep love that we grow through our challenges as opposed to drift apart.

My Dearest, I am humbled by your beauty, by the very thoughts of what your being in my life truly means to me and by what we have created in our 12 years spent loving one another. Even more humbling is how I have watched you change many other's lives, those that come to you for peace, love, and strength in their most desperate of times.

So it is on this day 11.22 that I raise my glass to you in clebration of not only all that you have done to change my life, but how you continue to change the world in your own special way...one soul at a time.

I love you, My Dearest Angel...truly, madly, deeply.

Holding You Closely - Loving You Deeply

2009-11-02T10:40:00.001-06:00

My Dearest,

You have brought so much into my world and often without effort...for it wasn't until I met you that I opened the door for so many wonderful things to enter into my life, which I wouldn't have experienced otherwise.

You are the one who would start me on this journey of becoming a man although it wouldn't be an easy road and would take a lot of patience.

Maybe you knew that when you signed up for this assignment...knew that you would have to hold back and save your strength for the challenges that we would one day face and have to conquer in order to stay together.

I look back with admiration at the various times in our lives where you rose up and showed strength that seemed beyond that of the girl that I fell in love with. It seems that "Girl" no longer does you justice and even feels uncomfortable as it leaves my lips...it is the strength of a woman that I see whan I look at you today.

You are the strongest woman that I've ever had in my life...I can cite your strength in knowing how you have battled your ego, your own limits, your hidden desires...to stay in this place with me.

It is through this journey and through your love that I feel the man appearing as I admire the woman that you have become. In this very state of battle-weariness, I have learned the true meaning of life, love, and Spirit and how they relate with one another. And through these struggles, I have grown to know how to love completely, wholly, and without fear.

My Dearest, I give you my life, my heart and want you to know from the very depths of my soul that I am truly madly and deeply in love with you. In love with every part of you...the triumphs, the struggles. I understand you and know you from the inside out and shower you in unconditional love and light, wrapping you up and protecting you with my newly strong arms...holding you ever so close to me, warming you with the heat that is generated from the very beating of my heart...a heart that beats for you.

All of my love...David

A Different Kind of Amazing

2009-10-05T10:23:00.013-05:00

The first words uttered to My Dearest when I met her 12 years ago was that she was AMAZING...she was amazingly beautiful, an amazing dancer, had an amazing air about her which I couldn't quite grasp other than to know that I wanted to breathe that air along with her.

She is all that today, but AMAZING has taken on a much stronger and greater meaning. When I first saw her, I didn't know all that she had overcome to bring her to the place where we first met. I didn't know the tough, strong decisions that accompanied her journey, the challenging pathways she had traveled, the roads that she had taken that I, myself, don't know if I would have been able to endure. I had my own roads of course, but hers were much rockier and with an unfair adversity attached.

When you look at My Dearest, who I and many others refer to as "supermodel pretty", you'd just never envision the cast-iron will and strength that she is made of. The will and strength that has pushed me so far beyond my own comfort zone to grow, change, and achieve...the same courage that keeps us together today after a storm of epic proportions, the integrity that serves as a mirror for me to reflect and learn from. Her strength has taught me to BELIEVE in things that my eyes can't see and to TRUST in things that my mind can't seem to envision or grasp otherwise. Her FORGIVENESS is something that she has extended to me for my wrongs where many others would surely have failed. She has shown me what FAMILY looks like as she has given me hers and what FATHERHOOD looks like as she has birthed our three children. Without her, I don't know that I would have known either...

Some of us closest to My Dearest refer to her as a little lazy given her love to sleep and roll around in the sheets through the morning hours. We even pick on her for her huge appetite for creative information and networking that she acheives through the internet and her many electronic gadgets; but how could "lazy" fit the work that she has done to arrive here today, the glue that she represents which keeps our family together, the willingness to show up everyday to help others with no materials other than Spirit and Faith passing through her like radio waves through an antenna. We all have our work, our contributions to this Universe and to our own little families and surrounds...and I now recognize how AMAZING My Dearest's collection of work, through her young life, contributes to the greatest good of this world, and particularly in my own small world. Like many of us, she often gets paralized thinking and wondering what her potential is...but not realizing that she has risen up many times in her life and achieved greatness. Thus, in a time when she feels as if she isn't achieving anything, to me she is overcoming and accomplishing everything in spite of what has been thrown her way.

Elizabeth, today you continue to show me AMAZING...and I love you more today than ever before. Thank you for being YOU and for all of your hard work. You saved my life...and now I shall mirror your AMAZING and GREATNESS back for you to see.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God: your playing small doesn't serve the world.

Nelson Mandela

Your Heart

2009-09-11T15:37:00.003-05:00

My Dearest,

A famous poem to let you know where my heart is today and likewise where yours is as well. I love you and shall never let anything come between us (or our hearts) from here forward.

You are the love of my life...

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)

E.E. Cummings

An Invitation

2009-08-28T14:50:00.014-05:00

My Dearest...I have been afraid of living, afraid of loving, afraid of giving myself to you; all the while asking you to live, love, and give yourself to me.

I have asked you to abandon the walls that surround your heart without fully abandoning my own.

I have held onto pain and darkness and allowed fear to invade me to the point of losing myself and all that I stand for.

When my pain got the best of me, I avoided asking you to help me through it...thinking that your fears and your pain would only seek to shame me for my own.

I have looked for reasons to be annoyed, angry, or depressed instead of counting my many blessings and reasons to be happy.

I have been human...I have been humbled...and I've witnessed my own Hell as a result of allowing ego to rule my world. With this pain, I step into a place of tremendous personal growth and am finding a strengthening of Spirit that is helping me to grow with every passing day. A strength that has shown me how and why to fully love, give, and trust in all. As I grow and I look at our life and our love with a renewed and enlightened vision, I give to you the following Invitation with no expectations other than for you to know how truly and deeply I love you...

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love

for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade itor fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.

And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine

and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,"Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be doneto feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

---Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Finding Spirit, Finding Love, Finding Myself

2009-08-25T15:51:00.004-05:00

When we fall, why do we often fall so far?

Its easy to know when our paths have taken us away from Spirit but yet so tough to understand why we can't stop ourselves from some of our greatest crashes.

Its almost as if the very circumstances that lead to our demise are also the very things that cloud our judgement and thinking by just enough so as to not be able to truly see ourselves falling or see ourselves straying from the path. We all know the feeling of being at the bottom and being sure that we didn't reach the bottom on our own account...everyone else was to blame, of course.

But when we finally quit the blame game and realize that we don't have to blame ourselves nor anyone else for that matter, we see that the only importance is today and getting back up and getting back on the spiritual path. The path of love never left us...It was we that left the path. We left the path because our ego told us that our rules were more important than the guidance of Spirit. The crash is simply a reminder to us of how far we may have strayed from that path and to remind us that the goodness / oneness of living in Spirit still exists and is waiting for our return. The harder the crash, the further away we stepped from our highest selves.

I'm so plugged into Spirit right now that I feel like I am starting to sparkle from the inside. My eyes water every hour or so from a cocktail made up from the the goodness that I feel and yet also from the sadness in knowing what I have put My Dearest through during this "Crisis of Spirit". I am humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed to a great degree; but, am less defined and reactive from those feelings with every passing day. It feels like a hangover of sorts that reminds you that you never want to repeat the unspiritual binge that gave you this great headache and nausea that accompanies you this morning.

I feel as though through much of my marriage, I have withheld. I withheld myself in order to assure that My Dearest didn't get more of me than I got of her. I think a lot of us play this game and I even think My Dearest plays it as well...but this is where failure begins. It's where our efforts to minimize the damage to our egos caused by a failure of a relationship actually result in the failure that we so dearly want to avoid. Okay, My Dearest, this is where I shamefully admit that I am a game player...but this is also where I end the game for myself, for you, and ultimately for our family. I don't need to receive any longer as a premise to giving. After committing to this and living it for a couple of months, I actually feel like it is so much easier to just completely put myself out there in love than it is to withhold myself in fear. Does it feel completely safe? No, it doesn't. Am I a little fearful on occasion and is my ego constantly trying to force its way back into my marriage? Yes, every single day.

But when I look at where My Dearest and I have come to in playing the "me, myself, and I game", I really don't feel that I have anything to lose by shifting focus completely to her needs and far away from my own (my group would have a field day with this one!!!). I also realize that my fears of giving myself whole-heartedly to somebody aren't arising out of anything that My Dearest has done, but from having given myself to my parents as a child and ultimately feeling as though they abandoned me. After all, don't we as children give ourselves, our safety, our security, our love completely to our caretakers for safekeeping? My parents are wonderful and they did the best that they could; and far better than what they received from their caretakers. I wouldn't change these tough feelings and actually I can't...but I now understand how those feelings have driven every decision made in my life ever since (the good decisions and the bad), inclusive of who I chose to spend the rest of my life with. My Dearest had me from the very words "I want to take care of you" and that was no coincidence nor accident that she spoke those important words to me. I still believe that she wants to take care of me...and even after all these years and all that we have been through.

It is as if I have been holding my breathe for 2 decades and finally being allowed to inhale...the force with which the Universe has opened the door and opened my eyes to see why we love, how we love and even what love truly it is. My head is spinning and my pulse alive with realizing how I got to this place and my heart confident in knowing how to stay on the path of Spirit in my marriage and all of my relationships from this day forward.

I can't change the past...but I can promise myself and My Dearest to make the future so beautiful and so lovely that we would be remiss to ever want to focus on what's behind us. I cretaed some beauty and I created some lovely today.

Tomorrow I create some more...

Far From Home

2009-08-19T10:11:00.004-05:00

Business travel has taken me away from My Dearest which has become a HUGE challenge for me. I have anxiety around traveling away from my family and the burden of this weighs heavily on my heart and on my psyche. Our current trust issues compound this anxiety and it makes for a true challenge for me mentally. My Dearest is stressed because I am leaving and she doesn't feel that she can trust me away from home and I am stressed because I need support from her to "send me off", of which she cannot give me in struggling with her own void in dealing with my travels. It hurts...it hurts both of us in our different positions and we are thus working hard around this and through this.

If only My Dearest could see the "little boy" that I become when I am far from home...the longing to be able to feel her sleeping next to me, to hear her voice in the room, to see her typing away on her little computer. The counting down of minutes until I am back on a plane headed home. The nervousness of being on the plane and wondering what they would do without me should my plane fall out of the sky...craziness I know...but travel makes me think this way. I am here supposed to be working diligently and feel that I am just "faking it until I make it"...all the while longing to be elsewhere.

I know that these trips away from home serve as little windows of what life would be like without the privilege of waking up next to one another each morning for the rest of our lives and I am appreciative of this opportunity for spiritual growth in the form of appreciation. But God, give me strength. Throw me a vine that may serve as an alternative to this in the form of a greater career opportunity and one that keeps me warm in my own bed each night next to My Dearest and in the same house with my children. I have spent these days thinking of ways that I can be a stronger and greater leader for my family and thus the time has not been wasted.

Blessed am I for the beautiful life that I have, for it is this with this life and through life's challenges that I find spiritual growth when I am ready for it. The challeges always come at the point in time that I ask for growth and so the Universe is delivering as expected.

I Met a Mermaid This Week

2009-08-17T10:34:00.006-05:00

I met a mermaid this week...

She had long brown hair and the figure of a goddess. Her eyes were electric blue against the backdrop of the beautiful ocean, but with a fire in them that remains unmatched of any eyes that I have seen in my days. As I came upon her in the water, I reached out to her and we embraced in the salty surrounds as the ever-moving ocean kissed both of our bodies.

She was soft to the touch as I held her close to my body, yet strong as the awesome force of the waves that I know so dearly, having spent much time in the ocean. She playfully swam away from me on occasion as if to declare her independence, but always returned so as not to allow distance to spoil our rendezvous under the sun.

She giggled a lot and the sound of that laughter made my heart smile and had my senses dancing with every echoing tone of her voice. We ducked under the waves together and hid underneath the water's surface...more laughter as we would come up for air as I would have to breathe if I were to stay in my human reality and not permanently slip away into the ocean blue along with her.

At night, we danced on the beach in the latest of hours under the moon and the stars, the wind blowing her hair in many directions and the starlight glistening in her eyes as we spoke to one another...mermaid language being the language of love, of course...and this carried on until nearly dawn.

I spent several days with her, never venturing too far from the ocean and her safety...

Duty has now taken me away from the beach...away from her and this morning, I am without without her shimmering and glistening skin to look upon and admire, without those firey blue eyes from which I am able to draw so much power from, without her silky voice and the laughs that make my heart sing.

I am sad and feel empty...and long to return to her...and the ocean. When will I see her again? When will my heart dance again?

The mermaid was My Dearest...Elizabeth.

Asking for Miracles - Lost and Found

2009-08-07T15:53:00.004-05:00

Sometimes we ask for miracles not really knowing what that miracle will look like nor when it might arrive. The Universe has a funny way of delivering when and how you least expect it. There are many miracles in my life and I suppose I asked for all them in one way or another and in keeping with Universal Law, those things that were asked for just sort of migrated their way into my life, caring little about my timeline for arrival either expressed or implied when putting my request in.

I must say that sometimes the Universe can surprise us and seem to deliver in a bigger, grander fashion than we could sometimes even try to imagine or put our minds around. My Dearest and I had an amazing experience last weekend in our quest to find a miracle and so I felt the need after a hiatus from blogging to share this experience to help get myself back on track.

My Dearest and I have been "doing the work" so to speak of trying to find trust again after my betrayal, which is a challenge to say the least. Many exhausting conversations have been had in an effort of picking up the pieces and trying to salvage our relationship. After a couple of hours of some painful talking the other morning at the lake, I sort of threw my hands up in frutration asking My Dearest, "What do you need, what are you expecting to happen before you can truly move forward from this".

Her reply, a very cute one...but one that caught me off guard was, "A Miracle!". My Dearest needed a miracle to heal her heart and who could expect any less, right?? So I think to myself and realize that the only problem is I'm not qualified to deliver a miracle which clearly takes this out of my hands. Nonetheless, I told her "well then lets go make a miracle today"...was the best answer I could come up with although I don't mind sharing with you that I could feel the beads of sweat starting to form on my forehead in knowing the great task at hand and my likely impotence at delivering.

So I prayed...no secret that I prayed for a miracle, any miracle, THE MIRACLE that My Dearest needs to be reflective of some sign or endorsement to build some faith and trust upon. Ive been praying a lot lately and with good results, but I must say that on this day I would do exceptionally well as someone in the heavens was smiling upon me and My Dearest Love.

So we head out on the boat with family and friends to do some wakeboarding and hang out at cool island in the middle of the lake known as Pine Island. I'm the first to wakeboard behind the boat and so I jump in the water but quickly realize that my wedding ring and necklace is still on and so I swim back to the boat to hand them to my Brother in Law to put away. Needless to say my wife has a panic attack while I am handing them off in 30 foot of murky water, knowing that with one slip...those precious items would be lost forever. She was very vocal about this and I didn't blame her although tehre was certainly some bite to her advice!

So we make it Pine Island later and we are hanging out throwing footballs and frisbees, letting the kids play and swim around and I migrated my way over to where My Dearest was standing. I noticed right off that her anniversary bands were on her finger but her wedding ring was missing and so I brought that to her attention. The bewilderment in her face at that moment was not comforting and we both immediately jumped in the boat to scarmble around looking for her ring. I had seen it on her finger in the water earlier and so I think we both felt in our minds that it wasn't going to be found in the boat. More specifically, in my mind, the ring was at the bottom of the lake somehere and flat out wasn't going to be found. While she is looking around, my knees are buckling and I'm starting to wonder what this may be a sign of...Dear Universe...what are you trying to tell me?? My mind is racing and I am telling Elizabeth that the ring is gone with practically no chance of finding it. My Dearest is even starting to go so far as apologizing for the lost ring...the one that we are both wondering if we are likely to ever find.

If you know anything about my wife, it is that she is relentless...and so she quickly directs our family and friends to start stirring around the lake with their feet. We are in a HUGE lake and a huge recreational area consisting of many thousands of gallons of murky water over a clay and sand bottom. My brother in law is starting to quote the rediculous statistics about this ring ever being found again and within thirty seconds, our eldest daughter reaches down and pulls up from the muddy bottom of the lake one platinum and diamond wedding ring stopping my brother in law in mid sentence of his "impossible statistics". The ring was found...My Dearest starts shouting with joy "its a miracle, its a miracle" and all I could think of was the impossibility of this happening on this day when I should ask for a miracle and one that would symbolize my wife's and my commitment to one another. I shouted to my wife who was running to reclaim her ring,

"Honey, remember what we asked for??"

Her face lit up and I think the finding of the ring at that moment became more than just a miracle, it became OUR miracle. A miracle that symbolized that we had lost our way and have been found. A miracle that reminds us to never give up hope. A miracle that tells me that peace and affirmation is sometimes closer than we think and can be delivered just by simply asking for it and affirming that it be done. This is our miracle to build and grow upon. Our miracle to symbolize that we have more work to do together on this Earth...a miracle that strengthens my relationship with my One and Only Love...My Dearest Elizabeth.

Fear or Love...Destruction or Creation?

2009-07-10T15:02:00.004-05:00

Fear is destruction...Fear is only as real as I may think it is and lasts only for as long as I hold unto it. Fear can be the theif of a life and the killer of a soul, but is dispelled the minute one takes action to face it head on and / or decide to let it go. Once we place fears aside, we realize that what held us captive were simply what we fed our mind and it really had no power over us...only what we gave it. To let fear go can best be described as "freedom".

To love is to live and to love is the essence of human existence; we cannot function without love and even further can die without it. Love creates; it touches the very core of our being and gives us the unseen force to believe, to grow, to try, to change, to give, to be. Love is faith and love is empowering. To some degree we've all had a taste of what it means to love and be loved unconditionally; yet it often doesn't remain alive and strong and certainly as we move away from creation (love) and toward destruction (fear). We've all made decisions based out of fear and damaged things that were dear to us. Nonetheless, in the midst of destruction, love is a mere decision or choice away...the decision...simply to release the fear or release the destructive force that is keeping us from loving and start to create again.

Freedom from the fear of failure, rejection and the unknown makes room for love and faith to grow. But without the release or dismissal of fear, love is smothered, cannot bloom and reach its full potential. Love, faith and fear cannot dwell together, one will always over-power the other, with that power coming from the force that one decides to feed. Fear is always seeking to paralyze our thinking as is the force of love and faith always seeking to strengthen and free us.

My Dearest, as I pull these words together, I work tirelessly to stay in a place of love and likewise work with the same effort to hold your hand and pull you close to me...so as to keep you in the same place. I miss you when fear takes you away from me and aknowledge my responsibility for bringing you those fears although it is only you that can ultimately let those fears go and allow our love in its place. Please don't close the door to love. We have important things to create and deliver to our home and to our family, to our Monday Night Classroom!!!

All of My Love...David

The Only Therapy I Need is Spirit

2009-06-18T09:29:00.004-05:00

So much has changed of late and I have been remiss not to catalogue all of my feelings along the way, so here goes...

My Dearest and I just spent the most fantastic week of our lives in Paris where we lived like French people and breathed in the French air while exhaling all that we had gone through over the past year at home. We renewed our vows on our tenth wedding anniversary in the Eiffel Tower Park as the Tower sparkled in the background. We dined on bread, cheese, wine, and crepes and allowed ourselves to be captivated by the history of the region and all of its glamour. The Eiffel now ingrained in my psyche as a symbol of light.

It has been a tough road to get where we are, but with every step a building block to a stronger us. I find myself more in love with My Dearest than I have ever been, more understanding of who she is and why she is the person that I so dearly love, and most respectful of her strength as a partner, a friend, and lover. Words cannot fairly describe the pain that I have put her through and the many reasons that I have given her to run...of which she endured with a grace that I have seen from none other in my life. She stood by me and our family when so many were calling for her to do the opposite and surely with her own heart doing the calling on many sleepless nights and anxious days. It's weird how roles reverse as I once considered myself the rock in our relationship and all of a sudden I am viewing her as our solid foundation with an awe-stricken gratitude felt at the very depths of my soul. She has sheltered me and our relationship in this time of intense weather...picked me up, dried me off and pulled me back onto our path while letting me know that she wouldn't ever be able to muster up the energy to do the same ever again. I love her for this...

I have left a support group that I had reconnected with in favor of standing on my own two feet and choosing Spirit as my guide...as opposed to seeking guidance from external sources that are just as human as I. In my renewed commitment to my wife (and self), I vowed to abandon any and all things that didn't support our goals of "one-ness" and my heart was telling me that my support group was more interested in labeling me and / or my relationship than strengthening it...more intersted in analysis than healing. Thus, overall, I am making a commitment to choose Spirit and Strength rather than declare that I am broken and "my life unmanageable". My life is manageable albeit with good decisions and friends / family to talk to when times are tough. Therapy was good for analyzing how I got here, but won't serve me or provide the kind of nourishment that I need for the road ahead. Nourishment will come from prayer, meditation, and listening to my Spirit Guides as they breathe life into me and help me to get back on the road to fulfilling my greatest potential. I used to be really good at listening to my heart and somewhere that got lost long the way. Just like riding a bike, I have once again started listening to my heart as sliding doors and forks in the road approach.

My Dearest's family and I had a very inspiring talk to put this ordeal behind us...a talk that was very painful but one that begun the process of healing that is required for us to find and nourish the love that we shared amongst each other prior to the distance that I created in my actions. I took turns listening to the ways in which I had disappointed each of them and hurt them and at the same time was handed their forgiveness. We vowed to become our own support group to be called upon when either of us appears to be headed for a train wreck. As we all have our stuff and can veer off path when life's challenges become too much to handle, this was a bold idea in favor of strengthening our family and assuring that each of us as individual links in the chain have a support system around us that won't allow failure. This is Spirit and I am lucky to have so much of it around me to draw upon as I fill myself up and step into the light.

May the light wash all of the shadows away and cleanse us of our painful memories to begin anew.

Fighting Through the Armour - Trying To Find You

2009-05-26T12:04:00.008-05:00

Sometimes its really difficult to tell the one that you love most in the world how devoted you are to them when you have made such painful mistakes that might imply the opposite.

Its just as difficult to tell the most beautiful girl in the world how beautiful she is when you have mistakenly described another as being beautiful...

Nonetheless, My Dearest, I love you from the bottom of my heart, inside and out and that love is as strong as it has ever been. There is no greater respect or admiration than that which I have for you, your pain, your endurance and patience.

You are the most beautiful person that I have ever laid eyes on...even in your pain although its really tough knowing that when you drift into that pain, you are agonizing over where I have taken our relationship and the challenges that we are enduring as a result. This is excruciating for me to take and gets tougher on me with each passing day.

You are a devoted mother to our children...devoted wife and friend to me. I appreciate every day that you have been in my life even though there were times when I got lost and abandoned our relationship, failing to aknowledge who you are and what you mean to me.

You are a comfort to all of those that seek your spiritual advice and understanding in their darkest of times and I am glad to have you near me in my darkest hour for the same. It is a privilege to be your husband, to wake up next to you each morning no matter the difficulties involved in the day or evening before as we struggle through our pain to build a greater understanding of one another and thus a greater friendship, love, and ultimately a trust that can only come with time.

I love you, My Dearest with a love that is greater than any other although I can't and won't expect you to be able to take that at face value given the circumstances. My actions through time will show you my commitment and devotion to you and our family. I appreciate you for all thta you are and all thta you are battling through.

All of my Love.....

Might As Well Face It...I'm Addicted to Love

2009-05-08T15:28:00.003-05:00

Sometimes its hard to acknowledge the parts of you that contributed to an unhealthy relationship but in avoiding the disclosure of such, I would deny myself of the much-needed medicine and cure so hear goes...

I am a love addict in that I will work myself to death to connect to the one that I love most in this world, even when due to her own circumstances or wounds, she isn't able to provide the connection that I most desperately need.

I've strayed from our relationship emotionally and even beyond emotionally when I didn't get what I needed...even to the standpoint of comprimising my own value system. It was never that I didn't have values or integrity, but that my pain was so great and heart so empty that values fell further down the list than the love that I was wanting to feel and receive. My integrity should never been comprimised and this I have learned.

In times when I needed to be heard, I cowered away from forcing the issue with the goal in mind of not allowing the one that I love the most in this world to have a reason to turn her back on me...because what she would hear from me might be unpleasant...and unpleasance translates to avoidance...avoidance to more pain for me.

I've not only allowed an unhealthy balance in my realtionship, I have fed it...I have created a huge monster that I must now work ten times as hard to sleigh than had I recognized this sooner and before I have made so many desperate and poor choices...but conquer this I will and committed to the effort I am. I will re-gain and re-discover myself through this journey, wherever it may take me and as I pick myself off of the bottom.

I suppose The only beautiful thing about being at the bottom is seeing all the places that you can view from here which represent improved elevations...the improvements being the levels of self-worth and self-love as I ascend from my darkest place and during my darkest hour.

2009-05-06T15:46:00.003-05:00

To say im sorry is not enough for the things i have done and all the things you are going through.

To say im sorry doesn't make all the mistakes go away.

To say I'm sorry doesn't take away our challenges of achieving forgiveness, trust, and love in our relationship.

To say im sorry means that i realize my mistakes and aknowledge them from my heart to yours.

We learn the most important things in life while saying i'm sorry and what I learn from this is how much I truly love and adore you and how astray I have been while battling my own wounds and inner demons.

My Dearest, I love you and I am truly sorry.

2009-05-05T16:07:00.007-05:00

I've seen an angel and want you to know,

If it was my choice to make,

Would never let you go,

Don't know what life holds...

Maybe there's no reason or rhyme,

To think you may be mine in a matter of time,

And though I cannot touch you and we are now apart,

My Love...you do dwell...so deep within my heart.

Beautiful Woman Seeking Prince

2009-04-27T13:02:00.011-05:00

To set the record straight, I am not Prince Charming nor will my life ever be a fairy tale. My life will have its share of ups and downs of which I know has reached the lowest point that it could ever descend to. The bottom isn't pretty, but at least brings a sliver of hope and faith that it can only get better from here.

I am a human composed of many successes and many struggles just like you. My struggles aren't your fault and yet I understand that my struggles have become your pain. I don't know your pain other than the picture of it that you have painted for me. It's horrific, dark, and scary and I am afraid of it...so afraid that it often makes me want to run and hide. If forgiveness is anywhere on the horizon, I will wait many moons and many dawns to see it's rise in the form of a a new sky, but I am sometimes fearful that this is not on your calendar.

You have let me know that the love that we had has turned to hate. This is tough to swallow, but swallow I will. I've longed to hear a commitment from you toward finding love once again between us but have been deaf and blind to the commitment that you may have already stated in saying that you care not if love and happiness comes from me or elsewhere. That is your commitment...a commitment to indifference that I have been afraid to accept, but accept I will. I have been waiting for a new dawn on the horizon and so have you, but my sky sometimes looks nothing like the one that you envision. My orange sky has you sitting next to me snapping photographs while yours has a face that is yet to be determined or named...will call him Prince Charming I suppose and that might not be me.

I have been hearing / thinking with my mind and not my heart over the past couple of months and the mind has a way of ego filtering...a mode of protection. A mode in which it keeps thought processes from truly reaching the heart to protect us from pain, but somehow often keeps us from experiencing the pain that we need for growth. As I disconnect from the ego and the gamesmanship attached, I now feel what I need to feel, hear what I need to hear, see what I need to see. It's no longer about "the game", its about my life and what my life is telling me, but specifically what those in my life are telling me.

My Dearest, I badly, truly, deeply want you in my life forever and am afraid that your commitment to indifference is a commitment elsewhere and understandably so if Prince Charming is who you are looking for. My life will be no fairy tail, it will be as real as the images that you see on our monitor that we have collected over the past decade or as real as the images that you may see in some of your favorite blogs where there are photos of love and passion, yet with their own struggles underneath that go undocumented...the struggle or disagreement that occurred before the couple submerged themselves into one another to make up. It will be as real as the smiles that we have in our photos and even the tears that you have shed during this time that I have deeply disappointed. It will be a journey of rawness, spontaneity, and of variable outcomes and emotions...of supporting one another through whatever comes our way. It will be what we make of it, knowing and promising that I will never again make of it what I have so regretfully made of it today. I can no longer stomach causing you any more pain than I could stomach the death of my own heart.

On the tough side, if our skies should wind up different, then I hope your prince is everything that you could possibly wish for and that your fairy tale comes assembled and attached. If indifference is truly where your heart lies, then we are dead already, our hearts speaking different truths, our calendars not aligned and our skies of differing colors and different figures standing underneath. Oh, how I long for you to renounce this indifference, but I will pray for our happiness and support your idealism of such, all the while knowing that a vow of indifference does not represent a decision to be with me.

This is what my heart tells me when I ask it to grant me the purest of answers, free of ego, free of the outside interference, free of the protection that my mind so badly wants to grant. I go within and this is what I find.

I love you, My Dearest.

Growing Beyond the Illusion

2009-04-21T13:36:00.008-05:00

One of the most severe aftershocks that I face right now in the wake of my betrayal is seeing My Dearest struggle with the question of whether or not all that we have done, had, and shared was an illusion. Years of trust, years of work, years of growing...reduced in an instant to rubble like the passing of a raging storm over an island in the middle of the ocean. All the structure built over the years wiped clean in an instant and leaving her without shelter to run to. Around us, the aftermath of unfamiliarity with where the structures used to reside, sounds of an angry but calming ocean, rumbling thunder disappearing into the distance, and the slowing winds whistling through the palm trees. The sun is trying to show itself but only for an instant here and there as it battles the clouds while the violence subsides.

I shall continue to faithfully rebuild what was wiped clean...the only tools available to me being my affection, my persistence, words from my heart, good deeds when opportunity arises, and prayer for the strength and courage to stay this course. These are the limited building materials from which I must work. I have no riches to buy forgiveness (nor could it be bought), no music to sing her a sweet song of forgetting (nor does such a song exist), and no magic or sorcery to cast a love rejuvenating spell. Working steadfastly on today to build a better yesterday...brick by brick, mortar by mortar.

Our 10 years of marriage is no illusion. It isn't perfect, but is certainly not a tree that has born no fruit or goodness. When I look into my three daughter's faces and see them laughing, I know that our love is no illusion. When I marvel at all that we have built from nothing, I know that our love is no illusion, when I think of all the storms weathered, the mountains climbed, the laughter, tears, and sweat...I know that an illusion doesn't produce these things. We belong together and I will continue to offer shelter as I try and rebuild the island that we once called love...and with no matter that My Dearest isn't able to accept it for the time being. I will savor every romantic encounter with her, knowing and appreciating that those moments come in the form of simple things such as exercising together in the evenings, eating together and acknowledging the particular way that she builds her tasty morsels to devour, messaging her feet when she comes home at night, watching her chest rise and fall early in the morning as light first pierces the windows and she peacefully sleeps, or even tucking the covers around her before I leave for work each day. I'll cherish the time that we spend in our tree house bedroom talking, working, and growing through this pain and know thta these are the are the days of growth necessary for our future.

I love you My Dearest and know that we belong together...with the only true illusion being that what we have could ever be considered anything but real. I am sorry that my betrayal has brought this into question and take full accountability for the task at hand of proving how much I really do love and adore you...proving that indeed we do have something worth fighting for.

Embracing Yesterday and Waiting on Tomorrow

2009-04-13T16:35:00.009-05:00

I was pondering today all that I know and love about My Dearest and thinking of defining moments in our relationship because of their etching of my memory. We have had a lot of special times, but when I call up the moments that I could never forget because of their intensity, several come to mind...

The moment I first laid eyes on her. She walked by me and I was mesmerized. Still to this day, she is so stunning and so its no surprise that I still remember the moment I laid eyes on her and the profound affect that it had on me.

Snuggling on a couch by ourselves in an after-hours bar that was full of people but I honestly felt like we were the only two people on the planet. We were kissing and cared nothing about the space beyond our surrounds nor who may have been looking. It was just us, the music, and a video screen showing crazy graphics that was so fitting in our young relationship.

Receiving from her a small card that had "beloved" written at the top of it and attached to the card with a small piece of ribbon, a key to her apartment...a special little thing that she did to welcome me permanently into her life and her surrounds.

Coming home from a long evening of djing and walking into her apartment full of helium balloons that were floating on the ceiling with strings hanging down. It was like walking into a "love wonderland" of sorts.

Proposing to My Dearest via poem in from of her whole family over Christmas time and seeing her cry as she accepted. She was so beautiful that evening with her black sparkly blouse with sort of a feathery neck. I'll never forget that special moment.

Making our own Malibu rum drinks on our honeymoon and scaling the side of a cliff in the rain to reach a hidden romantic restaurant that overlooks the Vallarta Ocean. We were right over the ocean with cheap white Christmas style lights illuminating the balcony as we dined on some of the best grilled shrimp that I have ever tasted.

Moving into our big first house with barely any furniture, no blinds, and not even a pan to cook with or a plate to eat off of. At the time, it was the finest castle on the planet, but nothing like the castle that we would pick today. Funny how tastes change!

Hearing from my My Dearest the words "I'm pregnant". Once in our Katy Castle and another time blindfolded as she led me to the hospital to tell me. Even more memorable, the natural birthing of our two youngest daughters...the grit, the love, the determination. She was absolutely amazing.

Sitting on the red rock cliffs of Sedona overlooking the valleys and watching her peacefully meditate...then driving to the Grand Canyon and watching the sunset while admiring its Greatness, beauty, mysticism, and peacefulness.

Holding hands while watching Nora Jones at the House of Blues in New Orleans. We didn't even have tickets but My Dearest "campaigned" our way in by making a "Need Nora tickets" sign. the music and atmosphere was incredible. Did I tell you that My Dearest moves mountains??

being proud of My Dearest as she drives me around the lake while wakeboarding...the stubborn man in me picking on her about the speed and particulars about the ride, all the while my heart practically bursting with pride to see her behind the wheel of the cool piece of machinery that we have enjoyed so much. It is such a turn on for me.

I feel as though life's ordinaries have taken a toll on me...that my focus somehow changed from making memories to just daily survival, from just getting by and having fun to planning for the future at the cost of today's happiness...that makes me sad. I had so much more fun when life was more simple and I had such fewer things to own, nourish, manage, and maintain. My Dearest and I are so good at living and making memories and I don't want to lose that. I know that a rebirth is required to achieve happiness with the love of my life and am for the first time considering some of my investments, my assets, my things as being a cause of our demise. I honestly don't know how I have kept up and I think the answer is that I haven't. I have kept everything afloat but drowned in the process of holding all above the water. I have cannibalized my hobbies and my own health by striving to see that everyone else's hobbies were taken care of.

My marriage was not perfect, but it didn't deserve this. My Dearest is not perfect, but she didn't deserve this. Nothing that I have is really worth anything if I can't share it with the loves of my life...and she being at the top of that list. Tough lessons to learn and maybe even learned a moment too late...but learned nonetheless. There is so much change in the air around me that I am practically smothered by it. Sometimes it brings me hope and makes me smile while other times it brings me to my knees, praying for the strength to endure it.

I am so humbled and so exposed right now...its as if a hundred emotions are pelting me simultaneously like a cold rain on a warm Summer day. Half of those drops gently cooling me as they softly make contact with my clothing and warm skin underneath...while the heavier ones assaulting and stinging me as they land on my bare skin and send me seeking cover. But I have no cover...just exposed...no where to run or hide from this storm. Embracing the rain both for its comfort and for its humility but most importantly for the dirt and debris that it washes away as I stand in its fury and embrace the cleansing and whatever rainbow that may follow.

Day 52 - Easter - A Day of Rebirth

2009-04-12T09:28:00.003-05:00

Easter morning...a time of rebirth. The morning that a great spiritual teacher was arisen from the dead and became immortal in the eyes of his followers.

Its been a tough week for My Dearest and I and thus I have been out of pocket. Emotions have been all over the place and it feels as though we are hanging by a thread. I can do nothing right, say nothing right, nor think anything right. I am thankful that we are still under the same roof and trying to work through the pain, but am starting to feel somewhat defeated at my core. Our realtionship, the fairy tale as it was is gone and we are now trying to determine what to put in its place. Is it two totally separate lives and resulting new relationships or is it a rebirthing of our marriage with two strengthened individuals, capable of being fully present for one another through all of the good times and the bad??

I continue to work through my feelings of having abandoned and hurt My Dearest and best friend at a time when she needed me the most. Although coming from a place of anger, hurt, and resentment, it just doesn't give justice to the terrible thing that I have done. I look at her face and and see how it has changed since this happened. It echoes through my soul, the mountain of pain that I have inflicted upon her. I see her wake up and go to sleep with this burden and sometimes wonder how long I can watch it without running as far away from here as I can. Then I come back to realizing that she is home and running from home is an exercise in futility. This is the endless, circular cycle that I continue to navigate and wait patiently for My Dearest's hand to reach out and grab mine to break the cycle and move us in a positive direction...all the while knowing that this day may not come soon, nor may it ever come.

So underneath this rainy Texas sky on Easter morning, I pray for forgiveness, pray for my own rebirth and pray for the lightening of the pain in mine and My Dearest's hearts so that we may experience joy and love on this holy day of awakening, spent with our three precious chlidren and our family.

May the Universe bring peace to all those in need today for there are so many out there who are less fortunate than we.

A Day of Giving

2009-04-04T16:05:00.000-05:00

Things have been pretty tough for My Dearest and I as of late and it has left me feeling low so I felt like doing something good...something good that might reach outside of my own little circle of family...something that may warm me a little from this chill that I feel.

Operation Sack Lunch:

My girls and I went and purchased the materials to make 50 sack lunches to give to those that may not have something to eat and so we set up an assembly line at our house and started cranking them out.

Duties:

Oldest Daughter- Chief Mayo Spreader
Middle Daughter - Bagging Agent
Youngest Daughter - Potato Chip Bagger
My Dearest - Really Good Looking Delivery Passenger (and the one who told me about the shelter that feeds the homeless who always needs sack lunches)

So we had a good time and ultimately paid it forward today. My daughters learned how to give of their time to help others while enjoying the lone time with Dad in our manufacturing plant! We have SO much to be thankful for and thus 50 people less fortunate than I were the anonymous beneficiaries of our time and energy.

A quick prayer to those that are on the street and in need today...those that are hungry, those that are without shelter, those that are sick...those that have no idea what tomorrow's struggles will be. If anybody reads this and has some extra time, think about calling the closest shelter and asking if you can do the same. A few people spent a few hours today to benefit fifty others...how can you beat that??

I Would Miss Her Scars

2009-04-02T11:06:00.000-05:00

It seems odd...the things that you would miss about someone if they weren't in your life any longer.

Last night I was laying in bed, my Dearest was asleep and my hand found the scar on her forehead from when she was little and had an unfortunate accident with a broken mirror. As my fingers lightly traced the shape of that scar, I thought to myself that I would really miss her scars if she were gone. From the moment I became familiar with my wife's body, I have always been drawn to her scars...a symbol of something painful or stressful in her life that she grew from and ultimately became who she is today, albeit with a marker or reminder of some turmoil. I've kissed all of her scars and told her how much I admire them.

She has others and I sometimes see her glancing at them in the mirror and wishing them away...but as they are the essence of her, I love what they represent...the character, the wisdom, the pain that she has endured.

We all have our scars, scars that we wish away...some harder to accept than others because of the shame or humiliation behind them, but I think it is the very acceptance of those scars and ultimately the pride in those scars that truly sets us free. I am so guilty of retreating from my scars of late. there was a time when I was proud of my scars and they served me in knowing that I could achieve anything because of where I had been and what I had endured. But at some point, I quit embracing those memories and ran from them...hid from them in the darkest corners that I could find. This shifted me from my place of love to a place of fear...a fear of self...a self-perpetuating fear so destructive that it would aim to remove everything from my life that is so dear to me.

I haven't been myself because I haven't loved myself. I tried to run from "me" and that is a race that we will all surely lose. Today I am learning again to love my scars as I love My Dearest's scars and knowing that they are drivers for my success as opposed to being barriers against said success.

Perhaps if my scars were to magically disappear, I would miss them like I would miss My Dearest's. If I couldn't reflect on those scars and see them in the mirror, I'd have no real understanding of who I am or where I have been.

2 Floors and Sliding Doors

2009-03-31T16:11:00.000-05:00

So yesterday My Dearest and I got off of the phone abruptly while I was at work and after a slight argument. I immediately raced off to a lunch meeting on the 52nd floor...my stomach was in knots, heart racing and adrenaline pumping. Disagreements are commonplace these days, but none of them easy it seems. I hit the call button and waited for my elevator to arrive to take me to the common level. The doors opened and being already off guard, I just wasn't prepared to see her...to see the stranger that I had grown close to at one time who now seemed so very far away. I took a position in the elevator that placed a cushion of people between she and I. Avoiding eye contact completely, I said an uncomfortable "hi" to her and her co-worker and asked "if they had been busy with the accounting close" before proceeding to stare intensely down at the carpeted floor for the duration of the ride. A ride whose end frankly, could not come quickly enough for an elevator that had only to ascend two floors and while moving at a speed of a thousand feet per minute (of course I know those stats...I'm in commercial real estate!). The doors opened and without another word I hustled off of the elevator in one direction and she the other...sliding doors of sorts.

It's interesting that The Universe would put me on an elevator cab ride with the one that I had an affair with, fresh from a battle with My Dearest as if to test my resolve...sort of like offering fruit to Eve after her and Adam got into a spat and Adam having reminded her just the day before to never partake of it. Although caught off guard, there is nothing there for me anymore...she and I poisoned our friendship the minute we became anything more than friends and poisoned it remains.

Although really uncomfortable for me to write about, this represents a "stepping out" of sorts and so I am hoping that My Dearest will give me a safe place in which to talk about this.

I love you, Dearest Elizabeth and I'm sorry.

Day 42- A Night of Healing

2009-03-31T14:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight is a very important night for My Dearest as she actually gets to meet a very admired author and somebody that she is working on an important film project with and so I am very excited for her. Afterwards, she and I start attending the first in a series of lectures given by John Bradshaw as he debuts his new book entitled, Reclaiming Virtue. We both could use the spiritual uplift and are excited about being in attendance.

I am thankful to have made it this far down the road with My Dearest and won't take one moment of this for granted. We continue to move backwards, forwards, dodging left, dodging right as the winds of change hurl us and it's just not easy. I've witnessed so much pain in My Dearest's face as as the challenges of my betrayal continue to haunt her. I've tried my best to make her smile when opportunity presents, held her tight as she has cried when she would let me, danced with her on the rare moments that she felt like dancing, and taken a thousand photos with her in documentation of this journey. I've answered a thousand questions meant to clarify the madness behind where we are and none that have provided much remedy, although I keep answering as if able to help her understand something that is sometimes not understandable by either of us.

I listened to My Dearest just today give counsel to someone in a similar position and it opened my heart, brought tears to my eyes as she opened up and shared her experience with the person seeking her guidance. I was of course a villain of sorts in that discussion, which was difficult, but the conversation was beautiful and if our story helps another, then there is at least some light being passed around as a result of this dark time that we are going through. Afterwards, I looked down to the "makeup-less " face (a rarity) of My Dearest today and loudly pronounced my love to her several times...I wonder if she heard me. When I tell her that she is beautiful of late...I wonder if she hears me. When I tell her that I plan to spend the rest of my life making this up to her...I wonder if those words find home or shelter in a place where they are safe from the hurtful response that echoes within her but that she does not always enunciate...

"Then why have you done this to me, david????"

I just have no rational answer for that, no antidote for that venom, no way to muffle or mute that song...which could be the song of my defeat and I accept that. Nothing that I ever say from here forwrad might find its way deep into the place of her heart that I must touch in order to keep our love alive...and so it is...and so I am...engaging in a battle to save something that My Dearest may not want to save. My love is strong and undying, but it won't be forever and I pray for strength, patience, and courage to allow us to find the place where we can once again be fully happy and fulfilled by one another.

in every dusk a new dawning

in every cloud a new lining

in every storm a new calming

in every winter a new warming

in every hurt a new caring

in every frown a new smiling

in every silence a new calling

in every crime a new forgiving

in every sleep a new awakening

in every shunning a new welcoming

in every condemning a new redeeming

in every betrayal a new believing

in every coincidence a new meaning

in every being a new becoming

in every hiding a new revealing

in every end a new beginning

Forgiving Myself Again??

2009-03-30T14:38:00.000-05:00

So I forgave myself for my terrible mistakes last week and now feel like I am struggling with it again. I suppose that's the humanity component of it. Every time I see my wife struggling with the events, I go within and find that she is struggling because of me. She is struggling because of my actions, my words, my breaking of our trust and sacred promise. I know that I'm not responsible for her healing as only she can determine the look, the shape, the feel of it but I want to help and can only do so much to try and keep close and keep engaged.

My heart feels claustrophobic, feels as if it's being squeezed or contained against its will by walls of guilt and shame, constructed of the actions that have betrayed My Dearest. I long for those walls to disappear but know not how to dissolve them other than forgiveness, which so far eludes me more on some days than others.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...

Day 35 - Heavy Overcast

2009-03-27T13:27:00.000-05:00

Oak Trees are so magical...so perfectly imperfect. They have such a presence in their boldness and exhibit an architectural wonder that few other trees can boast. Sure there are trees that sport a colorful array during certain times of the year but it is truly oak trees that I have always been drawn to and that have always had great significance in my life. After punishing myself with some fast food, I sat out by the oak trees next to my office tower and just drifted. Today has been a really tough day. Yesterday, I was angry enough to suppress the sadness but today, no such luck. It's amazing how powerful of an emotion anger can be and how powerless it can make you feel when it leaves you. I left My Dearest some roses and a weathered angel planter by her locked office door this morning which was a short high, but it has all been down hill from there.

Checking in with my feelings, I have fear about my relationship today. I guess we are all guilty of putting those that we love on a pedestal that sits much higher than the plane that we associate hiding or secrecy with. I suppose its quite fitting and I deserve a dose of my own medicine, but it is still really challenging my faith today.

I guess if today wasn't overcast and rainy, then it wouldn't make tomorrow's potential sunshine feel so good.

Turnabout...

2009-03-26T11:13:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have just moved light years backwards but I asked for this...I asked very clearly and very definitively. Not only did I hear the answer but was given insight as to what was coming...I just didn't know that it would be the next day. I asked the universe if I was the only person in my relationship capable of hiding or secrecy because I felt so alone, so broken, so ashamed for being just that...but what was shown to me is that I am not.

So now that "I am not", I am without my words and for the first time am without my full trust. I suppose I could focus on what other hidden truths there are out there and run myself ragged about what else might be hidden from me, but I'm not sure of the value here. It's just not worth the energy or time spent coming from a place of insecurity as opposed to just faith...this would be the Wrong Way. I have faith that My Dearest will talk to me if there is more to talk about and do so on her timeline and when her feelings are clear.

Everybody has secrets...it just takes so much damn energy to keep a lid on them and / or unearth them, that I feel as though I can no longer afford to give them shelter, nor can I afford to get out my shovel and dig through up anybody else's. Today is a new day inclusive of all the previous events that brought me here and so it is truly today and tomorrow that are most worthy of my efforts.

Thoughts...brainstorm about what this means to my marriage:

If my marriage isn't worth the truth for either of us, than it is regrettably not worth saving.
If my marriage can't survive without using inappropriate relationships as support or in compliment, then it just isn't worth holding onto.
If my marriage can't listen and incorporate my feelings then it is deaf, exclusive and useless as I need to be heard.

My heart tells me that my marriage is capable of everything above and so much more...just not in its current state and not without work. I'm grateful for this day and all others to come... grateful for all that My Dearest continues to teach me. Grateful for her beauty and her grace. Grateful that I close my eyes next to her each night and open them to see her still next to me.

The Healing Within

2009-03-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

So I'm "unlovable" or at least that's what I have been telling myself. I've been unlovable since I was a child and left completely on my own to decide my worth, my value, my place in this world. I don't blame my parents, they did the best that they could do and quite frankly did far better than what their parents did for them. My Mother had two alcoholic parents, one that was abusive and my Dad's father left the home at an early age. My parents don't need forgivness, I need forgiveness from myself for all of the thoughts of unworthiness that I have created and then all of the destruction that occurred thereafter. I have done the absolute best that I could to date given the opinions that I have had of myself.

I've worked myself into oblivion to compensate for my Mother labeling me as lazy.
I've given all that I could possibly give and forgotten to give to my self to compensate for being called selfish.
I've adopted an intense fear of not being on time or being absent for my children as a result of my parents never having the energy to be present for me when I was younger.
I've coached 6 years of soccer to try and cleanse from myself the horrible feeling that my parents were rarely in the stands at my games.
I've bought beautiful houses in the best neighborhoods to create an image of success to hide the lack of success that I really feel inside.
And I've looked for love in compulsions and unhealthy places to fill holes that just couldn't be filled.

This is the end of the road for the "unlovable child". I accept that person and love that person so that he is no longer unlovable. I release all of the crazy thoughts, feelings, emotions and ultimately the pain that came along with that unlovable soul and put in its place the gifts of experience that came along with that duality. It is those experiences that make me the compassionate person that I am, the hard worker, the good father, the loving partner...and no longer will I allow the interruptions to that which I know I am. I am not the bad things that I have done...the secrecy, the lies, the betrayal, the abandonment.

This is where I find the most important forgiveness of all, forgiveness of self...and where I try to build upon that with forgiveness from those that I have hurt. This will come through my actions and through all of things that make me truly who I am and not who I have shown through my struggles. I am capable of so much more and there is so much more waiting for me as a result. It starts with My Dearest.

Feels Like Home

2009-03-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

There are places and events that one may visit for the very first time that are both breath taking and awe-inspiring and yet bring with them an overwhelming sense of familiarity and deja vu. A sense of home or comfort like no other that warms you to the core yet is quite baffling and frankly chilling at the same time. Could these feelings be bridges to past lives, past places or are they simply glue to the events in this life as we fumble our way to do, see, and accomplish all that lies within our path of destiny and / or co-creation? Were we shown our path before we started out on it and thus are recalling fragments of that viewing which result in these momentary connections in our minds that seem to defy logic and understanding? For me, these universal glimpses represent assurances that there is something much greater than ourselves at work.

How I Found Home...

I first met My Dearest late one evening at a very familiar place, one that I had been to many times but no matter my familiarity with the surrounds, I could have never been prepared for the energy that overtook me when she walked by. Never in my entire life have I felt so drawn to someone. Moving to a place in the room where I could have the advantage of observe her dance without being caught, I literally remembered saying to myself "I could marry her". I watched her for about a half an hour (okay maybe a little longer)...beauty, familiarity, comfort, home kept ringing through my mind...so much so that I couldn't chance her leaving without my saying something to her. So I took a deep breath, walked up to her on the dance floor and told her that she was amazing before muttering my name and then walking out to head home, but yet somehow knowing that we would again see one another. We didn't have conversation beyond "You are amazing" and "Thanks", no exchange of numbers, no promise to meet again...I'm not a very good pick-up artist anyway and besides that, she would move into my life in a more graceful and magical manner. In fact, she randomly walked into my store a month later with her 3 year old daughter to pick up a trade magazine and the rest was history. It makes me wonder how much history we have beyond the 12 years that we have spent this time around.

Have we tried this before but failed the test and are now re-learning to get it right? Why was she home from the moment I saw her? I just know that she is the glue in the mozaic of tiles that represent my life today and she is home. She is the only home that I know...not because we have become comfortable over time but because we were comfortable before time and before we even met. We aren't addicted to one another, we simply fit like puzzle pieces and enjoy the snugness. Through my anger and resentment I had forgotten what My Dearest means to me, what her family means to me, what our history means to me and I abondoned ship...I checked out. I lost my sense of self and thus lost my sense of self with reference to her and how important she truly is. I don't want to lose the only one on this planet that absolutely captivated me from first glance. I've been so foolish and will commit the rest of my days to undoing the damage that has been done in seeking comfort elsewhere. This is my journey to Forgiveness.

Where My Salvation Lies

2009-03-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

My world is hanging by a thread and twisting in the wind of this cyclone. I feel like the centerpiece of a windchime as the universal energy causes it to take flight and bounce off of the surrounding emotions, all with a differing tone or eruption of sound and all with a certain amount of violence associated. I've watched my wife cry for days now...extremely humbling and an experience that will be impossible for me to forget, no matter how much time has passed. It makes me feel as if someone has punched me in the stomach and sent me falling to the ground, doubled-over and dizzy.

I have in the past few weeks through fear, uncertainty, and even through anger expressed that all would be okay regardless of where this should end up, be it a strengthened relationship with My Dearest or be it on my own...a starting over of sorts with new rules, new players, and new surrounds. As time passes however, and I focus on My Dearest and examine who she is and how we got here, I realize that my salvation truly lies with her love. She too was hurting in our relationship...angry, unfulfilled, and probably just as wounded and unknowing at the time that we met as I. We brought baggage to this relationship that when stacked upon became so heavy that it crushed all that was underneath. We have so much love for one another, so much passion, so much caring that has simply been smothered by love's idiosyncricies. How does this happen? Why is it so difficult sometimes to see what is going on, to listen to our partner's needs, to surrender to them in order to fulfill one another and truly adjoin? Why does stubbornness have to stand in the way of true tranquility with the one that we have committed our lives to? Why are our minds so hard-wired to go to battle and draw lines when our hearts are so longing to surrender to something greater in the form of this partnership or contract that we signed up for? How do we align the mind to think with our heart instead of the ego, which ultimately causes so much pain and destruction.

I'm trying desperately to learn these answers right now because I know that love's secrets are buried within...and all the while trying to hold onto the most amazing woman on the planet and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. ...We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were indeed one tree and not two."

The Night of the Fireflies

2009-03-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

Spring Break has arrived and My Dearest and I have spent the last few days at the lake along with our little ones. There's so much serenity here in one of the rare places on Earth where the trees outnumber the people, but this ratio is always good for truth and soul-searching. Lots of ups and downs, backwards and forwards, going inward and reaching outward. Sometimes I don't know if I should be wrapping my arms around her and smothering her tightly or whether I should be running to the furthest corner to allow her the space to heal. She assures me its the former, but its anybody's guess?

So we are still taking it day by day, hour by hour and even sometimes minute by minute. Last night, we snuck away on the golf cart to a hidden cul de sac deep in the woods...no houses, no people...just the blackness of the thick pine forest underneath a beautiful array of stars. The Big Dipper was the brightest that I have ever seen it and we talked for hours. Sparks danced all around us in the form of fireflies of varying distances...sometimes high up in the pine trees and other times zooming in a few inches from our head as if to eavesdrop on our conversation and give assurance that all was going to be okay. My Dearest and I even joked about who they were actually dancing for although I'm sure it was her. She deserves the serenade much more than I.

So we keep doing this dance of forgiveness and dance of healing...without any predefined dance steps or even so much as a familiar beat. I have brought us to this place of unfamiliarity, this place of unknowing...I'm just thankful to be next to her right now eating popcorn, watching trash tv and typing away. She is my one and only love.

She is My Dearest

2009-03-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

She is My Dearest because much of what I am today is a result of her being in my life and although "what I am" is not representative of my greatest potential it is she that I can work through to reach said potential; for I have chosen her to teach me these lessons and she has chosen me for the same.

She is My Dearest because she is of stunning beauty; a beauty that I am constantly reminded of in the morning when I wake up next to her and in the evenings when I arrive home. With the rawness of late, I feel naked and ill-equipped to hide from her my adoration and am reminded in this that even the worst of events are opportunities to open our eyes and see what is before us...in this case a flower of radiant colors that my eyes are sometimes blinded by.

She is My Dearest because she is the one who gave of her body, mind and soul to carry, birth, and nurture my three children who are the best things that have ever happened to my life.

She is My Dearest because we can talk for hours about the current issues in our lives and when the pain becomes too overwhelming to keep a smile, we can pillowfight to the death and then fall into eachother's arms passionately before surrendering to the night.

She is My Dearest because she does support me as best that she can at any given moment and any given circumstances...and I judge her not for the times where I looked and couldn't find her because she became overwhelmed and had to hide.

She is My Dearest because her name is written all over my heart and so my heart wears those letters like a warm coat, shielding itself form the darkness and coldness in the world that would exist if she weren't around.

She is My Dearest because I love her and for all that she is and care nothing about what she is not.

Dancing

2009-03-16T16:35:00.000-05:00

So we have been dancing...all kinds of dancing in fact.

Dances in self discovery, dances in discovering our relationship and the truth about my affair...even slow dancing with one another by the bedside when feelings are raw and circumstances allow. Its funny, we never slow danced alone in our bedroom before this and I hope this is a sign of things to come. I hope we dance through the rest of our lives together...dancing like nobody's watching, dancing like we are the only two souls in the clouds on a beautiful Spring afternoon. For now, its just survival dancing...hour by hour and day by day.

When did we stop feeling the rhythms and grooves of our relationship...music muffled by the sweet distortion of life's song that we are drawn to like an addict to a syringe. We've stacked anger, discontent, resentment between is like mile-high structures cemented together tightly by a mortar made of silence and avoidance? I miss my better half for she completes me. I have forgotten who she is for the walls were too high for me to recognize her beauty and the distortion so loud so as to not be able to hear her sweet song. I knew how to climb walls once but have since learned to build some of my own. Walls that hurt those around me when they came crumbling down. I can no longer survive a life with walls and choose to dance...to dance with My Dearest and dance on the walls like a stage for which she has built me if she so chooses to continue building for it is her smile that I seek and walls can't survive among smiles and laughter.

The Silence - Best Friend or Worst Enemy?

2009-03-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes silence can be deafening and violent and yet other times so peaceful and healing. I suppose the determining factor is when you achieve a place of stillness, can you sit with yourself and know that you have done all as you should or at least with your your best efforts for all of those around you. As I have not, the silence has not been good to me of late.

So the success of my journey to Forgiveness (be it forgiveness of self or forgiveness from those that I have hurt) can be measured directly in how I feel when I sit still. And as such, this initiative is just as much about learning to sit still and listen to myself, something that I have forgotten to do over the past decade in the hustle and bustle of growing family, growing responsibilities, and growing illusions of success.

To My Dearest I extend my deepest apologies and greatest sorrow for not focusing on myself enough over the years in order to maintain a resemblance to the self that you fell in love with 12 years ago. This is an opportunity and a calling to change that about myself...no matter the outcome. This is an opportunity to make silence my friend instead of my enemy.

Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.

A Prayer to My Dearest

2009-03-12T17:16:00.000-05:00

God,

Please fill my heart with faith from the purest of sources…a faith that can’t and won’t be denied in terms of my marriage to my beautiful wife. And please…not a moment too soon nor a moment too late…fill my wife’s heart with the same faith for we are on differing sides of this pain and it is unrealistic of me to expect her to be blindly trusting of me.

Bring to us a strength that no one may take from us and a renewal so intense that we shall never sink back into old patterns of mistrust, miscommunication, and mishandling of one another’s hearts and feelings.

Help me to ascend from a place of being my wife’s convenience to being her primary source of strength and security for this is what a wife expects from her knight. Patch my armor with the strongest of metals to protect my soul that resides underneath.

Let us engage in creative endeavors together whether those endeavors take us to foreign shores and reach thousands or whether said endeavors are confined to our kitchen, our back yard, or our bedroom and only reach our own hearts.

Give to me your grace and forgiveness and when my wife is ready, extend to me her forgiveness as well…but do so only on her timeline.

Stand with my wife every second of the day so that she is never alone through her healing and regardless of where that healing may take her. Should that healing take her away from me, help her to know that she will fill a place in my heart until the end of my days and I will look for her again when my days should start over. For it is understood that my meeting her twelve years ago was not the first time that we had danced. Help me to remember this deeper connection to her so as to never allow my shallow ego to cause her pain again in this life or the next.

From this moment on, I put my life and my relationship with my wife in your hands to align it with the highest standards of this universe so that they may serve as an illuminating example of life, love, and happiness.

Let it be done and let it be known.

Your humbled servant.

~Me

Lost in The Forest - Day 19

2009-03-12T16:08:00.001-05:00

Its tough to say the words, "I have had an affair"...and especially to the person who was betrayed. My affair was so many different things and at so many different times, meeting a variety of needs and at the same time creating a different set of problems and negative feelings as a result. It was confusing, inconvenient, and scary while truthfully meeting some very basic needs that I was both aware of and unaware of on many levels. It was like being lost in a forest in the dead of Winter but having the sun's rays break through the trees to warm my skin as I look for civilization.

How could I do this...why would I have an affair?

I had an affair because I was angry, resentful and unable to resolve these feelings through a broken communications system. I had an affair because I was starving for any connection whatsoever to replenish my bankrupt heart. I had an affair because I needed to end this relationship as it existed in its current form and regardless of the ultimate cost. Maybe I had an affair because it was the one thing that you told me that you couldn't tolerate and mentioned untrustingly throughout our marriage in good times and in bad...was this prophecy or affirmation...I don't know. I had an affair because I am not perfect. Humans have affairs and this was my human side guiding me into unknown waters.

The time has come for me to go within and listen to my own heart and my own soul to determine what it is telling me via my actions. A clear message resonating through my mind when I sit still is that the work that needs to be done is absolutely pointless if the work is being performed to return the status quo. I don't want my old life back even though this statement keeps reverberating from My Dearest's lips. My heart has been screaming that it has been dying a slow death and guided me to the extremest of actions to assure resolution. Day 1 of the rest of my life is that resolution and for this my heart is excited, albeit fearful and very nervous just the same. I can do the work in any direction but feel strongly that the right direction is to re-grow my marriage to new heights and along differing pathways. If this is not what My Dearest should choose than let it be done and let us not stay forever in the inbetween. Time will tell all and so shall time resolve all. If there is any certainty whatsoever, it is that I will look back at some point in the future and say that this is the way it was supposed to be for My Dearest, My Children, and My Self.

Sliding doors all around me...

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me.

The Long and Winding Road

2009-03-11T15:40:00.001-05:00

The road to recovery with respect to a damaged relationship after an affair isn't a straight one. To take that a step further, its rainy, heavy fog, falling boulder's and just flat out doesn't feel safe. The road is frozen, slippery, and leads up hill and I know this because any progress made today is often lost in tomorrow's worries or fears. There's just no safety on either side of the painted lines and no guarantee that the road that you are traveling is taking you to the place of your choosing. So I have a Universal Bus Ticket to the town of Forgiveness...not quite sure where that is nor when I will be arriving. I suppose I'm not driving the bus because it was my drunk driving that got me onto this bumpy road. Am looking in the rear view mirror a whole lot more than I would rather, but the road ahead has such limited visibility that the the road behind draws great scrutiny.

If you asked my dearest, I'm sure on the surface that she would have preferrred the bus trip to somewhere a litle more glamorous than this destination; but I have to trust that the town of Forgiveness is just the pit stop for the many glamorous journeys to follow that know no boundaries nor bitterness. We've traveled those roads for a while and I've grown tired of them. Not completely sure why so many of us choose those roads to begin with. They really are choices, although they differ in terms of the environment in which they were made. My environnment would appear to have been foggy at best of late and so I am conscious that the very lack of my own assertiveness in creating my optimal environment has led to the roadway to Forgiveness. There defines my journey, there defines my reality, there defines my destiny.

FORGIVENESS OR BUST!!!! ---written in white shoe polish on the back window.

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us. There is only one remedy for it...forgiveness"

Fall From Grace - Day 17

2009-03-10T15:42:00.000-05:00

Its been 17 grueling days since my wife discovered that I was having an affair. Days filled with with guilt, shame, unrelenting bewilderment of how I could have let this happen to me...and ultimately to her. I always said that this was something I wasn't capable of, told her this was something that I would never do, reassured her that her heart was safe with me. Now I join the ranks of so many others who I have observed in this position and thanked the heavens it was them and not I. This blog is about feelings. Feelings that I need to share, but might be too difficult to share effectively through verbalization, given our current inability to communicate without anger. This blog is my support system, my therapy, my roadway to healing regardless of outcome.

It seems impossible or almost comicle to look my wife in the eyes at this point and tell her that she should have faith in me...in our future, although I know that's what she needs to hear, regardless of the implied disingenuousness of the gesture. I do so and release those words into a face that is hardened with anger, sadness, and dispair. Her eyes a shape that I've not seen in being married to her for 10 years. A shape that betrays the natural order of her femininity, softness, and inner light. It is I that have betrayed those very qualities that I love about her and caused them to retreat behind a dam of sadness that leaks water through its cracks as the tide of anger subsides and allows passage.

Through the night, she riddles me with questions...questions so painful and so repetitive that I am stuck giving frustrating and exhausted answers until my mind ultimately reaches its guilt limit and automatically shuts down. I liken this to what Gitmo prisoners probably went through when hiding important national security information from their concerned and skilled interrogators. Water boarding doesn't hold a candle to this torture. My mind betrays me of the events as my sleep is so miniscule, my diet so mediocre that it has sometimes been a challenge just to steady my focus.

When will we get through this? Will we get through this? How does this change our lives and how might it better our lives? So many survive affairs and many don't. Some are so full of ego that they would just as soon walk away from their families as face the music. I'm hear to stand in face of the grand orchestra, the symphony, and the three tenors to prove my love to my dearest. To shout it at the top of my lungs and fight to keep our sacred history and armor...albeit now battle tested.

Walk with me on this journey of limited outcomes but unlimited potential. Change has arrived on my doorstep and is prying its way into my door, betraying me by not showing its face.

This is the Diary of a Husband Seeking Forgiveness.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."